


Falling

by Marine226



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt Danny "Danno" Williams, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Steve McGarrett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-13 14:05:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19252696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marine226/pseuds/Marine226
Summary: Steve has issues coping when events take an unexpected turn for the worse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This plot bunny just came to me yesterday, haven't had much time to refine it, hope it's okay. More to come soon, stay tuned...

Steve leaned back in the plastic chair of the all-too-familiar waiting room in the emergency department, trying to project an aura of calm that he didn’t feel. He looked around the room at the rest of the team, who were also doing their best not to think too much about the possible scenarios presented by a visit to the ED. 

Besides the team, the others present for the vigil included Duke, Kamekona, Rachel and Grace. Rachel looked intermittently bored and very worried, whilst Grace just looked very worried. Steve supposed he should try to lighten the mood or assure them that everything was going to be okay, but he didn’t think he could do that because he wasn’t sure that everything _was_ going to be okay. So he stayed put and stared at the wall opposite from him.

He’d seen injuries – bullet wounds – like the ones Danny had suffered, and the results nearly always certainly meant they weren’t going to pull through. Danny was a fighter though and Steve had every faith that if anyone could pull this off, it would be his partner.

_A few short hours ago_

_“I have an idea. Cover me” Steve said, looking around the corner of the crate they were hiding behind for a second, then pulled his head back when a bullet punched a hole just above him_

_“My two favourite words in the dictionary. Or we could wait for back up and escape certain death” Danny responded, but changed his mag so he would have more rounds to properly back up his partner_

_“If we let them leave, we’ll never see those girls again” Steve stated firmly, knowing that Danny already knew that_

_“Would you listen to me if I said ‘don’t do anything stupid’?” Danny asked rhetorically, rolling his eyes when Steve just grinned back at him_

_“Cover me. Love you” Steve said, then darted out from their cover, shooting as he ran_

_“Love you too” Danny grumbled as he jumped up the same time Steve moved, firing on the shooters, hoping to take down as many as he could. But it was like they were multiplying. He hoped their backup wouldn’t be much longer._

Steve sighed deeply, he wished he’d followed his partner’s advice and just bloody waited. But there was no scenario where he would have done that, because they’d both known that they couldn’t let the traffickers get away from them again.

Steve noticed Lou straightening up and staring at the doors to the operating rooms, so he turned around to watch a doctor walk through.

“McKenna family?” the doctor said, looking around the waiting room

Steve sighed again and slumped back in his seat. The wait wasn’t usually this long, was it? Maybe something had gone wrong… unforeseen complications maybe? Danny hadn’t looked good when he was brought in…

_Steve nodded his thanks to Duke for his amazing timing, things had started getting hectic before the cavalry had arrived. The perps were mostly dead, there were three who would probably live, but needed medical attention, and one who apparently had some kind of survival instinct – at least enough to finally surrender, he would probably also need medical attention before the day was over._

_Steve looked around the scene, noticing that his partner wasn’t gas-bagging to any of the usual suspects. And come to think of it, he couldn’t hear the other man at all, which was saying something. He was always running his mouth off about something._

_“Danny!” Steve called, “Yo buddy, let’s blow this popsicle stand!”_

_He didn’t know what made him look behind some crates closer to the end of the pier, but what he saw blew his mind away. Blood, lots of it. And Danny lying in the middle of the puddle, struggling to breath._

_He called for a medic and quickly knelt beside his partner, applying pressure to the worst of the wounds on Danny’s chest, trying to stem the flow of blood._

_“Steve” Danny gasped weakly, the exhalation also causing a spittle of blood to fly from Danny’s mouth onto his chin_

_“Danno, stay with me, you’re gonna be fine” Steve told him, even as blood flooded through his fingers_

_Danny screwed his eyes shut and coughed, more blood flying from his mouth. He tilted his head to the side, causing blood to stream from his mouth, down his cheek. Danny coughed again and tilted his head back to watch Steve, his eyes looking unfocussed._

_“Steve” Danny gasped again, followed by a gurgling sound. He was panting, and his eyes drifted all over the place. He groaned and stared at Steve for a moment. Then with an effort, Danny grasped one of Steve’s hands and gasped, “Grace”_

_“She’s fine, Danno,” Steve responded, pushing harder against his chest to stem the flow of blood_

_Danny pulled on Steve’s hand that he’d captured, and between breaths, panted, “Look after her”_

_Danny flopped back to the ground, his eyes rolling back into his head. At this point, paramedics finally swooped in, pushing Steve out of the way so they could work on their patient._

Steve stifled a gasp and sat up straighter on the plastic chair. It wouldn’t do to show the others how worried he was about Danny, he needed to stay strong in front of them. He was supposed to be their leader, their rock. They needed to be able to count on him to do certain things, act a certain way in certain situations, but if he fell apart here and now, they wouldn’t be able to trust him again. And certainly not to do the things that he needed to do every now and then.

“Hey” a voice said from above him

Steve looked up at Lou, as the other man pressed a small coffee cup into his hand, then sat down next to him. They sat in silence for a while, both still lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Lou sighed and took a long drag from his own coffee cup before saying what was on his mind, “You better not be blaming yourself for whatever went down at that pier”

Steve gave him a quizzical look, responding “I’m not” but the lie sounded false even to himself

“That’s good, because I figure that could be any one of us in there. And the only one to blame for putting Danny in there right now, is the guy that shot him, right?” Lou asked

“Was that a rhetorical question?” Steve asked, frowning at the other man

“Just humour me” Lou answered

Steve sighed and shrugged, “Right”

“And you didn’t shoot him, did you?” Lou asked, obviously already knowing the answer. Steve may be tempted to shoot Danny sometimes, particularly when he was being difficult, which was all the time, but he’d never actually shoot the guy. Probably.

Steve sighed, “Lou, it’s not the same – ” 

“You didn’t shoot him, did you?” Lou interrupted, staring back at the other man, determined to make the point that he’d set out to make.

“No, Lou – ”

“And would you do anything differently if you could do it again?” Lou interrupted again, pressing his point home. 

Steve sighed, he knew what Lou was trying to do, but he rolled his eyes and answered, “No”

“Then it’s settled” Lou told him, patting his knee. The other man stayed there for a moment and took another long drag from his coffee cup and stood up.

Steve shook his head and took a sip of the lukewarm coffee. He went back to watching the opposite wall, but all he could see was Danny’s all-too-pale form in the ambulance and how the blood looked so stark against it.

_Thankfully the paramedics had let him sit in the ambulance with Danny, as they raced to the hospital with the sirens blaring. Steve sat beside Danny and had somehow ended up holding his hand, murmuring to him about how he was going to be okay and how he resented being told to look after Grace, because that was Danny’s job._

_Danny hadn’t returned to the land of the conscious. There was a large oxygen mask over his face, and there were hundreds of wires hooked up to various parts of Danny’s body. But the most concerning was the big patch of gauze on Danny’s chest that continued to become redder with every passing minute. There was another smaller red patch of gauze lower on Danny’s torso, but that one at least, looked like a through and through._

_A coughing sound made Steve raise his eyes from Danny’s torso back to his face. The inside of Danny’s mask was now splattered with red, which had pooled on one side and was running down his face._

_Steve went to help, but the paramedic batted his hand away and fixed the mask, then said something to the driver, who apparently put his foot down harder on the accelerator. Before Steve could ask what had been said, one of Danny’s monitors started screaming._

_The paramedic jumped up and immediately replaced the mask over Danny’s face with one that had a manual pump. He pumped the balloon twice, then started compressions on Danny’s chest._

_Steve felt his blood run cold as the paramedic continued with CPR, and the monitors continued to scream. He didn’t know what he’d do if Danny didn’t pull through this._

_“CLEAR!” the paramedic shouted, then pushed a defibrillator on Danny’s chest, causing his body to convulse once, but the monitors continued to scream_

The sound of the operating doors opening again made Steve snap back to the present. He glanced at the doctor in scrubs, he recognized the man from previous visits, but he couldn’t remember his name. This was certainly their doc.

“Steve McGarrett and Rachel – “ the doctor started

“Yeah, we’re all here for Danny Williams” Lou interrupted, pushing himself off the wall that he was propped against

“I know” the doctor responded, nodding at Steve as if to say hi, “But Daniel’s file only has – “

“Yeah, but we’re all his Ohana,” junior interrupted, standing up, and by god, the guy looked ready to fight

“Sorry” the doctor replied and his face did look apologetic

“It’s okay” Steve interrupted any further protest, grabbing his coffee cup from where it was resting on the armrest of the chair and pushing himself up. He looked around at his Ohana, “We’ll pass on the particulars of his injuries”

Rachel got up as well, shooting a bewildered look at Steve. As they followed the doctor down the hall to a private room, Rachel quietly said, “I know this doctor, he usually has no issues telling us all the news together”

Steve nodded, the feeling of dread intensifying as he heard his own concerns voiced by someone else, “Yeah, I know”

The doc showed them to a room with two couches in an L shape, and a table in the corner with a box of tissues on it. He heard Rachel make a sound like a sob, apparently she’d jumped to the same conclusion he did. 

Steve stared at the couches for a moment, if they were getting bad news, hell if he was going to be sitting for it. He turning to face the doc, “Okay, out with it doc”

The doc silently sighed, but shut the door and said, “I’m sorry – “

Steve didn’t hear the rest of what the doc said to them, or if he did, he couldn’t remember. He felt the coffee cup fall from his grasp and felt the splash of the coffee against his pants as it bounced on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thanks for the comments, and kudos! Apologies, I thought the MCD warning had come up, it's still showing on my end, so I'm not sure how to change it...
> 
> Just a short one, but there'll be more to come later...

Steve put his car into park, pulled on the hand-brake and turned off the engine to his car. He frowned for a moment, briefly wondering how he got home from the hospital. He couldn’t remember any of the drive home; it was a wonder that he’d gotten home in one piece. 

He remembered events at the hospital happening as though he was watching through a haze. Rachel had broken down as soon as they’d heard the news, which was both puzzling and heartbreaking, considering her troubled relationship with Danny over the last few years. Steve had tried consoling her but felt as useless as offering a band-aid to someone who had an amputated leg.

In the end, Steve had left Rachel in the room alone so he could break the news to the rest of Danny’s Ohana. As Steve had walked into the waiting room, he’d felt everyone’s eyes on him, everyone expecting him to say that their friend, his partner, the loud-mouthed, funny in an awkward kind of way Jersey boy, was going to be okay. 

Steve couldn’t remember what he’d said, but he knew that he’d told them that Danny hadn’t made it. He knew that he’d said something appropriate about the team taking as much time as they needed and how he’d be there for them if they needed it.

What he _did_ remember though, was Lou coming over to him, putting his hand on his shoulder and saying that he was there for him too. Steve had shrugged the hand off and made a flippant response, before saying he needed to sort something out and leaving the hospital. He’d felt the walls crowd in on him the longer he’d stayed in the hospital, and he’d felt as though he was either going to start shouting, or hitting people, or worse yet, start crying, so he’d left.

Steve slowly got out of his car, still feeling like he was watching through somebody else’s eyes, still feeling like he was trapped in a waking nightmare. He shut the door and slowly inspected the outside of the car, double checking that he hadn’t hit something or someone on the way over. 

After he was satisfied that he’d managed to stay in the correct lanes on the drive, Steve shuffled towards the house. The closer he got, the more he felt the pressure build, as though he was a dam about to break. 

He stopped and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. 

He was a SEAL, goddammit! He wasn’t going to break down. It’s not as if he hadn’t lost comrades in battle before, why should this be any different? 

_Well, maybe because I didn’t love any of the men I’d lost before_ , he thought back in response.

Steve continued his way to the house, he would be okay, he just needed to do something to take his mind off of what had happened. He needed to get into the safety of his house, and maybe drink himself stupid, or go for a long run, or swim, or beat up his punching bag.

He opened the door to his house and stepped inside. Suddenly, he found himself reminiscing of Danny being in his house, what felt like hundreds of times the man had been in his house, rapidly going through his mind’s eye.

_Danny greeting him with pancakes as he walked through the door after he’d been through hell._

_Him and Danny grabbing a beer and a feed after a long case._

_Poker nights_

_Fight nights_

_Danny nearly burning down his house when he tried to make frittatas_

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. He would never see Danny again. He felt his eyes begin to water and tried to stop what was going to happen. If only Danny could see him now, the so-called super SEAL trying not to cry because Danny had kicked the bucket.

Steve took a deep, steadying breath, and opened his eyes. The stupid apparitions of Danny were gone. 

Steve kicked the door closed behind him and took another deep breath. The next few days were going to be busy; Danny’s will would be executed, there was planning to do for the funeral, there’d be the funeral itself….

The funeral….

Danny’s funeral….

Because Danny was dead….

He’d been shot and now he was dead….

Suddenly, Steve could see Danny lying in a pool of his own blood, struggling to breathe. He was gasping and coughing, and making gurgling sounds, and saying “Look after Gracie”

Steve fell heavily to his knees as if someone had cut a string that had kept him upright, and gasped. His vision became blurred, so he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt himself shaking, even as he wrapped his arms around himself. He felt like he was running out air, so he gasped again, but it sounded like a sob. 

Suddenly he felt his eyes leaking, and oh yeah, he was definitely crying now. He tried to laugh at the absurdity of it, but now he was sobbing uncontrollably too. And they were full-on whole-body sobs. He felt the hot tears streaming down his face and tried to stop them. But his arms were still wrapped tightly around himself, trying to keep him together somehow.

He cantered sideways and lowered himself unceremoniously to the floor, still shaking from the sobs. He desperately hoped no one would check on him tonight, because they’d never look at him again the same way if they saw him like this. 

A part of him didn’t really care though. The only person whose opinion mattered…. The only person whose opinion had mattered was Danny. And Danny no longer had an opinion about these things. Danny no longer had an opinion about anything. 

Because Danny was dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm half-way through watching season 8 at the moment, I figure this whole story is set somewhere between S7 & 8 - sorry if the timeline doesn't track entirely correctly.

Sunlight streaming through the blinds woke Steve early the next morning. It couldn’t have been much past dawn. Steve took a moment to get his bearings, before remembering the events of last night.

Steve had woken around 0100h on the cold, hard wooden floor, with a sore back and stiff neck. He hadn’t had the energy, nor the disposition to climb the stairs to get to his bedroom, so he’d crashed on the couch. He’d grabbed the ‘snuggle’ blanket that Charlie had left at his place a few weeks ago, and drapped it over himself, before grabbing one of the cushions and stuffing it under his head.

Somehow, he’d been able to get to sleep, albeit it was a fitful sleep, full of half dreams involving Danny. He didn’t recall the details of said dreams, for which he was grateful, he didn’t want to know what his brain had concocted after the events of the previous 18 hours.

Steve rubbed a tired hand over his face, he really needed to shave. His beard was at that annoying length where it was starting to itch. He sighed and turned onto his back, staring at the ceiling. The call of the ocean was strong. But Steve’s body felt heavy, he felt that if he tried to go for a swim, the ocean would wrap herself around his body and pull him into the deep, murky depths where creatures unknown lived, and there would be no escape. No, that was a bad idea. 

He swung his feet over the side of the couch and slowly got to his feet. He felt like an old man as he trundled to the kitchen. His body was in desperate need for fuel, he hadn’t eaten in nearly 24 hours, not since Danny and he had caught a break in the trafficking case as they’d finished lunch.

He opened the pantry and gazed unseeingly at the contents within. After a moment, he closed the pantry and moved on to do the same with his fridge. He huffed in frustration, nothing in the pantry, nor the fridge looked at all appetising. Except of course, the beer. But it was too early to drink beer…wasn’t it?

Steve mentally shrugged and grabbed two bottles, it’s not as though he was expected to go to work today. He’d given the team time off, so surely he could at least take today off too? Whatever. 

He made his way back to the couch, taking off the cap to one of the beers and taking a healthy swig from the bottle. He hadn’t indulged in alcohol so early in the day since he’d had shore leave during his last deployment. 

That had been amazing; him and his team had been dropped off and were told they didn’t want to be seen back at the ship for at least 48 hours. 48 hours to rip up the town. He’d spent the first 12 hours with his comrades, drinking themselves into oblivion and trading versions of recent events – making sure of course, that they weren’t overheard. 

After that, he’d ghosted them to let off steam in a different way. That was one of the best 48 hours of his life. And it all seemed like a distant memory now.

Steve lay back on the couch and channel surfed until he found a program that wouldn’t irritate the shit out of him. He gazed at the screen, but saw nothing. His focus was still back on Danny. Of Danny in the ambulance, unconscious, covered in blood and without a pulse. Of the paramedic trying to bring him back to life…

Steve rubbed at his eyes, which were leaking again. He took a shaky breath and took a long swig of his beer, choking on it as he realised he couldn’t breath at the same time. After finally getting his breath back, he lay back and stared at the TV, trying to clear all thoughts from his head.

**********

A persistent and shrill sound had Steve sitting bolt upright on the couch, staring around the lounge room, trying the locate the offensive sound that had woken him. Eventually he realised it was his phone on the coffee table. He glanced at the caller ID and nearly rejected the call when he saw it was the governor calling. He didn’t want the man’s pity.

Steve answered, and shortly found himself shocked when the governor told him they had a case. Then it dawned on him that the governor hadn’t been informed of the Events that had transpired last night. Steve nearly kicked himself for his stupidity, it was Steve’s job to notify his Chain of Command about these sorts of things. But he’d been too wrapped up, too upset, too… whatever to tell anybody except for those in the waiting room.

Steve tuned back in to what the governor was saying; something about doing him a favour. Then silence, as if he was waiting for a response.

“Detective Danny Williams died last night” Steve found himself saying, almost a hundred percent sure that the governor had been waiting for something more along the lines of ‘Yes, of course we’ll take the case, Sir’, or even ‘No Sir, we can’t take the case because of ….. and ….’

Steve found his eyes tearing up again, his throat constricted as though he was going to start sobbing over the phone to the bloody governor! He clenched his teeth and pursed his lips, even as his lower lip started to wobble in the manner that meant some form of un-manlike emotion was about to be displayed. He couldn’t stop the silent tears falling down his cheeks though.

Suddenly, he realised the governor was speaking, and he’d been too wrapped up in his own world to hear what the man had said.

“Sorry, say again Sir” Steve asked, feeling better about the fact that his voice hadn’t betrayed his inner turmoil, even allowing him to make some excuse about a shoddy phone line being the cause of not hearing the man

“I said, I know you two were close, Steven” the Governor responded. _Since when had the man called him ‘Steven’?_

“Thank you Sir” Steve replied

The Governor sighed over the phone, “I know this is a tough time for you and the team, but I really need this done. And I hate to say it, but does crime stop because of your loss?”

What a dickhead! Steve thought furiously, but knew the guy was right.

“No Sir, we’ll be right there” Steve replied, swiping at his eyes again, he had a job to do…


	4. Chapter 4

Steve parked his truck at the edge of a construction site and wondered over to the crime scene, ducking under the crime scene tape that marked the perimeter. The police officer manning the perimeter was familiar, but he hadn’t learned her name yet. Apparently she knew him though, as she nodded at him, her eyes full of sympathy. He shouldn’t have been surprised that HPD knew about what had happened, Duke would have made some kind of announcement to his staff and the news would have spread like wildfire.

He located Lou’s burly figure and made his way over to the man. Lou looked as bad as he felt, at least he was in good company.

“What’ve we got?” Steve asked, skipping pleasantries. He’d ask Lou how he was doing, but he didn’t want the same thing asked of himself, so best to forego the whole thing entirely.

Lou looked at him in surprise, then with a frown asked, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Steve returned the look, “What’s the supposed to mean? We’ve got a case”

“No, _we’ve_ got a case. You need to go home and do whatever it is when you grieve” Lou told him sternly, “Don’t get me wrong now, we all need to go through that process, but you knew him for a lot longer than any of us, and I know how close the two of you were”

“Lou, I’m fine” Steve argued

“That’s great, Steve, but go be fine somewhere else. We’ve got this covered” Lou responded, then started making shooing motions at him

“Lou, I appreciate the effort, but I need to be here now” Steve told him, leaving no room for any further argument, he’d pull rank if he needed to, “Tell me about the case”

Lou grumbled something under his breath, before finally filling him in on the particulars. Steve tried to listen to the details, but the information just washed over him like waves, meaning nothing to him. 

Eventually Lou stopped talking, so Steve thanked him, before heading over to take a look at the body. As he stopped next to the body, someone placed their hand on his shoulder, startling him.

“Sorry Commander” Max’s voice came from the owner of the hand, “You are in my way”

Steve turned around and stared at Max in surprise, then guilt when he realised he’d forgotten to call him last night. He supposed the only people that knew were the people in the waiting room, which had only been those who’d come from the pier plus the team and of course, Danny’s family. He had no idea how Kamekona had found out Danny was in hospital.

“Earth calling Commander McGarrett” Max’s voice broke his reverie

“Hey Max” Steve responded

“Can you get this box before I drop it? And kindly move out of my way” Max asked

That’s when Steve belatedly realised Max had loaded himself up like a pack-horse. He grabbed the box Max indicated, then tried to figure out how to tell the ME about what had happened without giving away that he’d forgotten to tell him.

Max put down the rest of his bags and box’s, then turned to him, “I must say I am surprised to see you here today. I feel like a hug would be appropriate, but not well received, thus I will settle with merely extending my apologies. Detective Williams was – ”

“You know?” Steve interrupted. _So much for not telling him he’d forgotten to notify him_

“Of course, Captain Grover came over and told me last night” Max responded

Steve nodded, then felt his emotions rising again. He had to get out of here. He quickly mumbled an appropriate response to Max and bade him farewell, before leaving. He ignored Max’s question of whether he wanted to know about how their latest victim of murder had died.

Steve quickly got into the safety of his truck and sped away from the crime scene. Never mind, he could contribute to the case in a different way, he could start chasing down leads from the office. With that in mind, he headed for five-0 headquarters.

******

Steve opened the glass doors to headquarters and walked through. The HQ was quiet, with most of the team out at the crime scene. It wasn’t empty though, he could hear someone tapping away at a computer. 

For a moment, his heart leapt, as he thought that maybe, just maybe…. He stopped at the entrance to Danny’s office and looked in at the empty desk. The light was still on, and there was still paper littering his desk from the mountains of research they’d done in the last couple of days. The light was on, but nobody was home. Steve nearly laughed, but thought that if he tried, he’d cry again instead.

“Commander?” a voice asked. Steve belatedly realised that the tapping had stopped.

Steve turned in the direction of the sound, his right hand going to his holster, just in case. But instead of a threat, he saw Jerry. 

Jerry raised his hands, looking a tiny bit scared, “Umm, hi” he said, with a wave

Steve relaxed his pose, feeling embarrassed, “Hey Jerry, sorry, didn’t see you there”

Then a terrible thought occurred to him, had someone told Jerry? Steve felt terrible, he was supposed to be the boss of five-0, and yet Jerry was the second – no, third – person in his extended Ohana that he hadn’t told. Steve scrubbed a hand over his face, maybe Lou was right…

“Ah… sorry about Danny” Jerry’s said suddenly, then he was walking forward with his arms outstretched

Steve back up a pace and put his hand out in the universal sign of ‘stop’, “Thanks Jerry, and ah, that’s not necessary”

Jerry stopped moving, his arms still outstretched, “I’ve been told a Jerry-hug is something everyone should experience, it apparently will make anything better”

“I don’t think it’ll make this better” Steve snapped, probably a bit too harshly. He pinched the bridge of his nose, “Sorry Jerry, this… just… now’s not the time”

“Yeah, sorry” Jerry responded, lowering his arms, then he huffed, “I just don’t know what to do. I can do hugs – ”

“Please don’t” Steve interrupted

“ – but I’m just an awkward guy, I know that” Jerry continued, “I feel like apologising doesn’t really do anything, but then why am I apologising? I didn’t shoot him – ”

Steve winced visibly at the wording, making Jerry reword what he was saying, “I mean, I lost him too”

Steve nodded, “I know buddy” he said, patting his arm as he walked past, “It’s not supposed to be easy”

“But it’ll get better, right?” Jerry asked, making Steve pause in the doorway to his office

Steve nodded, “Hope so” he said, before closing the door 

An hour after arriving, he heard the rest of the team get back from the crime scene. Steve looked up from the nothing he was staring at on his computer screen and watched them file in. He wished he could tell them to all go home, if it wasn’t for the fact that the victim was the son of a friend of the governor, this would be HPD’s case.

He watched Lou approach his office, his gait determined. Lou knocked lightly on his door and entered before he gave the man permission to enter. The other man drew the blinds on the door and the windows to his office without saying a word. When the office was no longer visible to the rest of the team, Lou lowered himself into one of Steve’s chairs and stared at him.

“So, is this Round 2?” Steve asked

“Oh, we haven’t finished Round 1 yet. I wasn’t finished and kudos to you for picking the playing spot, because I didn’t want to dress you down in public” Lou responded

“Dress _me_ down?” Steve asked incredibly, “I’m your boss”

“Yep, you’re right. You’ve also just lost a colleague, a close friend, maybe something more. I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care what you two got up to in your personal time – ” Lou started

“You think we were dating?” Steve asked

“Like I said, McGarrett, I don’t care. What I do care about is having someone out there in the field who’s mind is on the job” Lou responded

“My mind is on the job” Steve defended himself

“Oh really?” Lou asked, then crossed his arms, “What’s the name of the victim?”

Steve opened his mouth to respond, but shut it. What was the name of the victim? It was a common name, and it was short, started with a ‘J’ – John? Jack? Jake? Jarrod? “Jake Smith?” he asked, not feeling confidant in his answer

“Not even close, his name was Zac Peterson” Lou said sadly, “Look Steve, we’ve got this. You need to take some time off and get your head back together, do whatever it is to make you whole again”

Steve felt his throat constricting and his eyes begin to water again. He stood up and went over to the window to stare outside, trying to will the emotions to get back in the damned box! He knew Lou was right. He nodded to indicate his understanding; he didn’t trust himself to speak just yet.

“Good man” Lou said, but Steve didn’t hear him making any noises to get up, “You know, if you want to talk – ”

“No” Steve rasped, then cleared his throat and turned around. He knew his eyes were bright from unshed tears, but he needed to know something, “Max and Jerry?”

Lou nodded, “I told them last night. The only two people I didn’t call were Kono and Chin, I figured you’d want to call them yourself”

Steve nodded, “Thanks”

“Don’t mention it. Now, get yourself cleaned up and get out of here” Lou said, finally getting up out of the chair and leaving the office.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another short one. Hoping to post another chapter later today. 
> 
> I want to get this story to a particular spot before I go away in a few days - unfortunately whilst I'm away I won't have any internet, so I won't be able to add more chapters, so there'll be a delay of about 5-6 weeks. The good news is that I'll still write whilst I'm away, so I'll post them as soon as I get back :)

Steve made quick work of packing his belongings, only taking the essential items for the kind of trip he was about to make. Hiking had always been a good way to put his wayward thoughts back where they belonged.

He threw his rucksack into the back of his truck and took a moment to do a mental inventory of his items. Finally satisfied that he’d ticked off all the essentials, he took out his cell and stared at it. He had one final thing to do before he could set off.

He jumped into the cab, then dialled. He wanted the privacy that the truck provided, but if he turned on the ignition, the Bluetooth would pick up the phone, and he didn’t need this conversation to happen in stereo.

As he waited for Kono to pick up, he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. He had no idea what to say when she answered, but he was sure he’d be able to figure something out.

Eventually, Kono’s voicemail picked up. Steve hung up before the beep. This wasn’t the kind of news one left on a mailbox.

Steve sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. This was exhausting, and he hadn’t even spoken to the cousins yet. He longed for the open country and the feel of the solid ground under his boots, putting miles between himself and yesterday’s events. Danny would have whooped with the admission that he preferred to run away from such things, such emotional things.

Steve huffed out a breath and dialled again, maybe he’d have better luck with Chin. He didn’t have long to wait this time, the other man picking up after only two rings.

“Aloha Steve!” Chin greeted him enthusiastically, “Long time, no speak. How goz’it?”

Steve swallowed against the lump in his throat, “Aloha Chin, - ”

Before Steve could continue, he heard someone speaking to Chin. “Hang on, Steve” Chin said, before muting the sound of the speaker.

Steve waited for a while, before eventually the sound of the phone returned to normal, “Hey Steve, sorry to do this to you brah, but can I call you back? Something’s come up”

‘Actually, this can’t wait” Steve found himself saying

“What’s up? What’s wrong?” Chin asked, clearly having picked up on the tenseness in Steve’s voice

“It’s Danny” Steve responded, feeling like he was whispering, “He’s gone”

There was a pause, then, “He’s… gone? Gone where? Steve… Is he missing? Tell me - ”

“He didn’t make it, Chin” Steve interrupted, silent tears now falling down his face, almost as though saying it aloud made it more real. He had a feeling he’d said something similar at the hospital last night, but he wasn’t sure.

He heard Chin swallow, “What happened?”

Steve cleared his throat, then explained, “We caught a lead in a trafficking case, it took us to a pier on the North Shore and … Chin, we didn’t have time to wait for back-up” he heard himself saying, he sounded like he was trying to justify what’d happened

“Understandable, we would have done the same thing” Chin responded, placating him for the time being, “And then?”

“There was a fire fight. Danny and I became separated… He… he was right behind me one minute” Steve took a shaky breath and swiped angrily at the tears on his face, “I don’t know when he was shot, but when I found him afterwards, he was in bad shape. He coded twice in the ambulance”

He heard Chin exhale on the other end of the phone, “Oh god, that’s …”

Steve nodded, “Yeah”

“I’m sorry Steve” Chin responded

Steve nodded again, squeezing his eyes shut, he took the phone away from his ear and rested it against his forehead for a moment, trying to regroup. He took a shaky breath and returned the phone to his ear, “Yeah, thanks”

“When’s the funeral?” Chin asked

Steve shook his head, “I don’t know. I think Rachel’s organising it”

“Rachel is?” Chin asked, “Why?”

“She’s still listed as his next of kin” Steve answered, “I don’t know, I left the hospital before any of that was discussed”

“Okay” Chin responded, then asked “How’re you holding up?”

“I’m fine” Steve responded automatically

“Steve” Chin said, his tone warning him not to lie to him

“I’m …” Steve huffed out a breath, trying to find the right words. ‘I’m falling apart’ didn’t seem like the right thing to tell his friend. Then he found himself saying, “I just never thought – ”

He had to stop talking, his shoulders beginning to shake again as he started sobbing silently. He thought of all the things he’d seen in their future. The future where at some point, he’d told Danny how he felt, and found out that his feelings were reciprocated. Even the future when he’d never had the guts to say anything to Danny, but they were able to stay close friends until they were old and grey.

He tried to clear his throat and continue, but as he whispered it, his voice betrayed his emotions, “I never thought – ”

He quickly took the phone away from his ear again and tried to gather himself, but it was a failing mission. He needed to get off the phone. He took a couple of shaky breaths, before returning the phone to his ear.

“Steve?” Chin was saying, and his voice was a bit shaky too

“I need to go” Steve responded

“Steve” Chin asked

“I tried to tell Kono, but the phone went to message bank” Steve told the other man, managing to get out the whole sentence

“I’ll tell her” Chin responded

“Thanks” Steve said

“Steve? Take care of yourself” Chin told him

Steve nodded, he could feel himself losing the battle against his emotions, so he quickly hung up before he started crying again. He took a few deep shuddering breaths and swiped at his eyes, before finally switching on the car. He needed to get out of here.


	6. Chapter 6

Finally on the road, finally putting miles between himself and his problems, Steve started feeling a bit better. He couldn’t wait to finally park the truck and get on the trail. It wasn’t about getting to the end of the trail, it was about the journey. It was about the exertion, it was about the fatigue, the feeling of exhaustion.

Steve was pulled from his thoughts by the ringing of his phone. He glanced at the display, _Rachel? Why was she calling?_

Though it was tempting to let it go to message bank, Steve answered the call, “Hey Rachel”

“Steve” Rachel responded, she sounded like she’d been crying, “Sorry to call you, I just thought….”

“It’s okay, Rachel” Steve replied, pulling the truck to the side of the road. He needed to concentrate on the conversation so he didn’t end up crying over the phone again, “What can I do for you?”

“I have to see the lawyers” Rachel explained, “Would you be able to look after the kids? I don’t want to take them in with me, they’ve been through enough”

He suppressed a sigh, the call of the trail was so strong… He felt like he should probably help Rachel out though…. “Hey, I’d love to, but I’m about 50 miles outside the – ”

“That’s okay, I can wait” Rachel interrupted him, “Please Steve. Danny always said you were great with the kids”

He scrubbed his hand over his face, “Yeah, okay. Yeah, of course” he sighed, “I’ll head back now. Where will you be?”

********

Steve walked into the lawyer’s office. He didn’t need to look far to find them, Grace saw him before he saw them. She came up to him and wordlessly put her arms around him. Steve returned the hug, feeling himself becoming emotional again.

Eventually Grace took a step back and taking his hand, led him over to where Charlie was playing in the waiting room. As they walked, Steve quickly wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

Then when he felt himself become in control of his emotions again, he asked, “Where’s Rachel?”

“She just went in about five minutes ago” Grace replied, as they stopped next to Charlie

Steve knelt down in front of Charlie, and said, “Hey buddy, what’re you doing?”

Charlie just grinned at him, then continued playing with the trucks, making car noises as he did so. At least the kid didn’t fully understand what’d happened, and probably wouldn’t for a few more years. Grace on the other hand, was old enough to understand it.

He turned to Grace and softly asked, “Hey, how’re you doing?”

In response, he just got a shrug and a sad look. She’d deal with it in her own way. He felt useless, how could he provide support for either of these kids when he couldn’t even look after himself?

“You want ice-cream?” Steve asked, kind of feeling like a jerk for implying that that might make things better

Grace said no at the same time that Charlie scream yes! 

Steve grinned at the little boy, and stood up, “Okay, there’s a place across the road, shall we go get some?”

Charlie jumped up and grabbed his hand, “I want chocolate ice cream!”

Steve smiled at him, then turned to Grace, “Milkshake?”

Grace huffed, but said, “No, but I’ll come with you”

As they made their way to the exit, one of the office doors opened and Rachel peered out at them, “Steve”

“Yeah, we were just getting ice-cream” Steve told her

“Ice-cream!!!” Charlie shouted

Rachel looked strained, she looked about ready to burst into tears. “You okay?” Steve asked

“Can you come in here?” Rachel asked

“I’d rather not” Steve answered, he couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting in that room listening to _the last will and testament of Daniel Williams_. The thought alone made him shudder

“You’re in the will, Steve” Rachel told him

“No thanks” Steve responded, feeling Charlie start jumping up and down in impatience

“Steve – ” Rachel started

“Whatever it is, I don’t want it” Steve interrupted, then deliberately turned away from Rachel and said to the kids, “So, where were we?”

“Ice-cream!!!” Charlie shouted in excitement

“He left you the car, Steve” Rachel said

“The camero?” Steve asked, turning around again

“He has more than one car?” Rachel asked

_Oooh, she’s a feisty one_ Steve thought. He didn’t want the car though, he wanted Danny back!

Sighing, Steve knelt down to look at Charlie in the eye, “We’ll get ice-cream after this, okay buddy?”

When Charlie nodded, Grace took his hand and led him back to the waiting room. Steve stood up slowly, then went into the office where Rachel, Eric, Danny’s parents and one of Danny’s sisters along with a handful of serious looking lawyers were waiting for him.

“Hi” Steve said as he walked in, then leant against the wall when he realised there were no chairs left.

“Okay, where were we?” one of the lawyers said, looking at a folder in front of him, “Right, the car”

Steve half listened as the rest of the will was read out. He tried not to think too much about why they were all here, the reason that they were here to hear Danny’s assets, his life, being divided amongst them. Those who continued living. Steve took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He could do this, he could get through this without breaking down again.

He watched the faces of the people that Danny loved, as they heard what had been left to them. Mostly, they just looked sad. He probably had the same look on his face. 

In the end, Danny had left him the Camaro, most of his clothes _“because you need to dress better, Steven, there’s nothing wrong with wearing a tie from time to time”_ , and his liver _“in case you need another replacement”_. Steve thought Danny was only probably joking about the liver, but he wasn’t sure. 

He could nearly see Danny laughing as he’d added that to the will. He’d probably been tempted to leave him the rest of his organs too, for the same reason.

“Steve?” Rachel’s voice snapped him out of his reverie

Steve looked up at Rachel, who was holding a pen out to him. Steve pushed himself off the wall and went over to the desk to sign where the lawyer was indicating.

“Okay, that’ll do it” the lawyer said, “It’ll take a few days for this to get processed, I’ll let you know when that happens”

Everyone thanked the man, then filed out of the office. Rachel pulled him to the side as they left and asked “Coffee?”

Steve shook his head, “No, I want to get back on the road”

“Oh, what about ice-cream?” Charlie asked, looking upset

“Next time, buddy” Steve answered him, he felt worn out from the impromptu meeting

“Where are you going?” Rachel asked

“I just want to get away for a few days” Steve answered

Rachel sighed, tears starting to fall down her cheeks, “I was hoping you’d stick around and help plan for the funeral with us”

Steve scrubbed a hand over his face, “I mean, it’s not really my thing” this was never a funeral he’d ever thought of attending, and certainly not so soon

“Steve, you were a big part of his life” Rachel tried to reason with him

“Yeah well, he’s dead now” Steve said flippantly, then felt bad, “Sorry, I just… I can’t do this”

Before Rachel had the chance to respond, Steve turned around and walked out of the office.


	7. Chapter 7

Eight days later….

Steve put his boot on a small ledge on the rock face and tested the hold before transferring his weight onto it. He levied himself up and reached out to find the next ledge.

The climb was exhausting, but it had an end point. He was sweating heavily from the effort of scaling the rock face, but it felt good. He felt alive.

Danny would have called him mad. He would have taken one look at the rock face, called Steve a few choice words, then vetoed the decision to climb it by pointing out the perfectly good path that went around the rock. A path that would have added hours onto the journey…

Steve heaved himself up again and grabbed another hand hold.

Suddenly, the sound of the Sat phone pierced the early morning air. The sound startled him and Steve’s foot slipped on the narrow ledge he’d perched on. It happened too fast for him to stop the fall. He tried to grab on to the hand-holds, but there wasn’t enough purchase. His hands slapped the wall as his other foot slipped, then he was falling.

Then the rope stopped his descent, pulling him back to the rock-face. Steve reacted quickly, but not quick enough not to headbutt the rock as he was slammed against it. He tried to grab hold of the rock, but the momentum rocked the peg in the wall loose and the rope went with it. He fell again, this time a bit further, before the rope caught him again.

He was thrown against the rock face again, this time on his side, his shoulder colliding painfully with the rock. This time the peg held, at least for now. Steve quickly found purchase on the rock-face and held himself there for a moment, trying to get his breath back. 

The sound of the Sat phone still ringing made him remember why he’d fallen in the first place. If someone was ringing that phone, it must be urgent.

He looked up, the top of the rock was too far away to climb before answering the stupid phone. Looking down, he quickly made a decision. He grabbed hold of the rope and started propelling himself down the rock-face, a more controlled descent to the last time.

When he got to the bottom, Steve pulled out the phone and answered it, “McGarrett”

“About time, boy. Any longer and I’d call search and rescue. Why have the phone when you’re not gonna answer it?” Joe’s voice came over the speaker

“Good to hear you too, Sir” Steve responded, then grabbed a water bottle from his rucksack and took a long gulp

“Would ya stop calling me ‘Sir’?” Joe grumbled, “How you doin’?”

Steve sighed and sat on the convenient stool shaped rock, “Lou told you?”

“Actually, Mary did. She’s concerned about you” Joe replied, “Said your phone was going straight to voicemail”

“No service out here” Steve responded, “That’s why I have the Sat phone”

“Well, your sister doesn’t know that” Joe told him

Steve wiped sweat from his forehead, then frowned when he looked at his bloodied hand. He must’ve hit his head harder than he thought. He grabbed a shirt from his rucksack and put pressure on his head where he’d made contact with the rock wall. “You just calling to tell me Mary’s worried about me?” he asked

“Not just Mary, Steve, most of your team have called me at some point over the last few days. I got sick of talking to them, so told them I’d call you” Joe responded, “You know the funeral’s tomorrow?”

_Wow, that was quick!_

Steve swallowed over the lump in his throat, he felt sick. Everything was happening far too fast. Who was even able to get a funeral sorted out that quickly?

“Steve?” Joe asked

“Still here” Steve responded, blinking rapidly as his eyes began to tear up again. He did the mental arithmetic and realised he wouldn’t be able to make it, he’d covered too much ground over the last week to be able to get off the trail in enough time to get to the funeral, “I uh …. I won’t be able to get back to the truck - ”

“I thought you might say that” Joe interrupted, “You’re not missing this one, boy. I’ve got your location, a chopper is on it’s way to you now”

*****

“You look like shit” Joe greeted him when he got off the chopper, “Rough few days?”

Steve just grinned at him and accepted the hug that Joe gave him. Then Joe pulled back and examined his face, he frowned at his split eyebrow, “That’s new”

Steve gingerly touched the area, which had finally stopped bleeding, “Yeah, got it today. Got a two-for-one deal, came free with the black eye”

“I bet” Joe responded, then gestured for Steve to precede him, “Come on, let’s get going. The gang are meeting tonight for a few drinks”

Steve hefted his rucksack further onto his back and followed Joe, “Think I’ll give that one a miss”

“Thought you might say that” Joe replied, “Did they tell you Danny’s family want you to do one of the Eulogies?”

Steve stopped and stared at Joe’s back. That sounded like a terrible idea! 

Joe stopped and turned around when he noticed that Steve was no longer behind him. As he looked at the expression on Steve’s face, he said, “Take that as a no”

“That was Rachel’s idea?” Steve asked, but it was more of a question, of course it was Rachel’s idea. That woman would be the death of him. They’d gotten along because of necessity, rather than any great like of one another.

Joe shrugged, then asked, “You going to stand there all day? I’m hungry, there was nothing in your kitchen. You eaten yet?”

Steve shook his head, still trying to process the news he’d just been given, “I’m not going to do it”

“Well, I suggest you talk to the family sooner rather than later. They sounded pretty adamant about it” Joe told him, then gestured again for Steve to get moving

Steve grumbled, but followed the other man, then something occurred to him, “Wait, why were you in my kitchen?”

Joe just grinned and kept walking.


	8. Chapter 8

Steve straightened his toe again and stared at his reflection. He braced himself against the sink and tried to shut off his brain, he wouldn’t get through the day if he thought about it too much. As it was, he’d barely slept last night. 

He’d woken up every thirty minutes or so, not being able to get rid of the feeling of impending doom. Each time he woken, he found himself drenched in sweat. He wasn’t sure if the dampness on his face had been from sweat or dried tears. He’d slept better in the past before a raid.

Steve rubbed his palms nervously over his pants, then undid his tie again and started again. The crumpled speech in his pocket did nothing to calm him. He’d finally been able to put the words on paper, but he hadn’t been able to rehearse it. Every time he started speaking, the words got stuck in his throat.

“You ready?” Joe’s voice came from the doorway to the bedroom.

Steve straightened his tie again, it still wasn’t right, but it would have to do. He grabbed his jacket and left the bathroom.

Joe stepped into the room, staring at Steve’s tie, then motioned for Steve to lift his head. Joe wordlessly fixed the tie, ignoring how the simple act made Steve’s eyes begin to well up. 

Steve sniffed, trying to get a hold of himself again. He remembered the many times that Danny had done the same thing. “I don’t think I can do this” Steve admitted

Joe finished fiddling with the tie, then responded, “Yes you can”

“Joe – ” Steve said in desperation

Joe cut off the words with a quick slap to Steve’s face, then he cupped Steve’s face in his hands, “Steven John McGarrett, you’re gonna make it through this. Just remember to breathe”

“I can’t” Steve whispered, feeling embarrassed for showing his emotions in front of his old boss, but he couldn’t stop the tears falling down his face

“Steve, look at me” Joe told him, then when that didn’t work, he said in his best commanding voice, “Commander!”

Shocked, Steve raised his eyes to look at Joe’s.

“Good boy, now, inhale for three seconds” Joe said, watching as Steve finally did what he asked, “Hold the breath for three seconds, then exhale for three seconds”

Steve did what Joe told him to do, feeling slightly better. He repeated the cycle a few more times, feeling less shaky than he did before.

“Now Steve, if that doesn’t work. You remember your grounding techniques, right?” Joe asked, when Steve nodded, Joe prompted him, “Tell me three things you can feel”

Steve huffed a breath in frustration, but answered, “Your hands on my face, my clothes, the paper in my pocket” his voice faltered on the final item as he thought about what was on the paper

“Tell me three things you can see” Joe continued

Steve took another deep breath, before responding, “The wall behind you, your jacket, and your ugly mug”

Joe grinned, “And three things you can hear”

“Birds outside, TV downstairs, and someone playing basketball” Steve answered

“Good, feel better?” Joe asked

“A little” Steve allowed

Joe smiled and tapped his face, before removing his hands, “I’ll take it. Remember those techniques Steve, I have a feeling you’ll use them again before the day is done”

Steve wiped at his face, “Okay, I’m good”

Joe gestured at the bathroom, “Go wash your face, we have time”

Steve did as he was told, before eventually following Joe out of the house. He tried not to think about where they were going, or why. He tried not to think about the speech in his pocket, or how he was going to get through it. He just tried to switch himself to autopilot and finally put this day behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

As Joe and Steve walked to the gathering in the cemetery, they spied Kono and Adam making their way to them. 

“Aloha boss” Kono said as they approached.

“Aloha” Steve responded, then hugged Kono tightly. He wanted to tell her that he’d missed having her around, but thought that it might make things awkward, or worse yet, he’d start crying again.

Eventually they parted, and Steve embraced Adam. They didn’t hold on to each other as long as he had with Kono. After they parted, Joe shook their hands.

“Chin told me what happened” Kono said as they begun walking to the bigger gathering.

“Yeah” Steve responded, feeling like he should say something more, but he had no idea what that would be.

“Sounds like there’s nothing you could do” Kono said softly

Steve forcibly stopped himself from saying something he’d regret, so instead he said, “Yeah. Hey, how’s California?”

Kono gave him a look that said she’d noticed he was trying to change the topic, but she’d allow it, “I don’t get to spend too much time there actually, we have to keep moving. I spent a lot of the last week in New York”

They finally stopped at the edge of the gathering, not wanting to get caught up with Danny’s extended family. Chin spotted them and made his way over; he looked a bit flustered. After exchanging pleasantries with them, he said, “Watch out for Danny’s Aunt Bethany, she likes to pinch cheeks”

“It’s because you have very pinchable cheeks” Joe told him

“That’s what she said” Chin whinged, “Are you two related?”

Joe just grinned in response, then said, “I hear your taskforce is also kicking goals”

“Yeah, we have our good days and our bad days” Chin replied

“Oh, thank god I found you guys!” Jerry’s voice interrupted their conversation, he rubbed his cheeks, “You’ll never believe what just happened”

“Could it have been Aunt Bethany?” Kono asked

“That woman is evil” Jerry responded

“I feel your pain” Chin agreed

Before anyone could make an appropriate response, they heard somebody start directing the crowd to take their positions. The group exchanged pained glances, having been relatively happy talking about anything except what they were here for.

As the group began moving towards the plot, Steve turned and started in the other direction. But before he could get far, Joe stopped him, “Going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I uh, left my speech in the car” Steve responded

“Front-right pants pocket” Joe told him, glancing down for a second, then back up to Steve’s eyes

“Right” Steve muttered, nodding, “I forgot”

“Sure you did” Joe said, making motions for him to turn around, “Ceremony’s that way”

Steve wordlessly turned around and joined the crowd. It didn’t take long before they arrived at the marked off area. Steve looked around, recognising some of the faces, but not all of them. He noticed Lou, Max, Kamekona and a few others had joined their group, but just nodded at them, rather than going up and speaking with them. The ceremony was about to start…


	10. Chapter 10

Steve stared at the closed casket sitting atop the six-foot-deep hole and let the words of the paster (or priest?) wash over him. He was surprised that Rachel (and the family) had elected to get a closed casket, but kind of relieved too. He didn’t think he’d be able to hold it together if he saw Danny’s lifeless body lying there.

That said, he had the overwhelming temptation to rush forward and yank the lid open, just to make sure that this wasn’t a scam. After all, he only had the ER doctor’s word to go on. He hadn’t felt the need to see Danny’s body at the hospital… 

Maybe there was a chance… Maybe he’d gone into witness protection…or the Feds had taken advantage of his death to run some sort of undercover operation … or maybe he was a double agent for another country (probably Italy) and had needed an extraction … or maybe he’d just had enough of working with Steve and had needed a vacation – a permanent one. 

Steve took a deep breath. In for three seconds, hold for three, then release for three. Repeat.

He felt marginally better, but still couldn’t tear his eyes away from the casket. His partner was inside. His partner of nearly nine years lay inside that wooden box and would never argue with him about the shades of chairs ever again. He wouldn’t argue about waiting rooms, or pineapples, or even beaches and sand…

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

Why was the lid closed? He was certain Rachel would have wanted the lid to be open. He was certain Rachel would have requested that Danny be wearing a nice suit, probably with the latest tie she’d given him. His hair would be full of gel and combed away from his face. He had a feeling Rachel would have asked that Danny had eye-liner around the outside of his eyes, only to the corners though. Any more and it would have been too much. The effect wouldn’t be the same though…with his eyes being closed…

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

Suddenly the paster was saying his name. It was time. But Steve’s legs wouldn’t move. He felt stuck to the ground as though in concrete. 

He felt Joe give him a small push, and suddenly he was walking towards the front of the gathering. As he walked past the coffin, he slid his hand over the top. Then he paused. He fingered the opening of the top part of the wooden box. He battled hard to just open it, just to check. And he nearly did, but the fear of what he’d find inside saved him. Instead, he patted the box and kept walking.

Steve got to the stand and took the crumpled paper from his pocket. He smoothed it out and cleared his throat. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. 

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Daniel” Steve stopped and swallowed heavily, then tried again, “Danno…”

Steve stopped again. In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“When I first met him…” Steve started. This was harder than he thought it was going to be. The paper in front of him danced as his eyes started to water again. This was worse than trying to rehearse the bloody thing last night! – but then really, that shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him.

“When I first – ” Steve tried again, but his throat dried up and he couldn’t get the words out. 

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat. But it didn’t work this time. He gripped the stand tighter, hoping he could get it together to do this properly. To do this for his friend. His partner. 

Suddenly Joe was there. Words of comfort were whispered to him, followed by the same process as they had only gone through this morning. 

Steve cleared his throat and blinked rapidly; he could do this.

“When I first met Danny “Danno” Williams” Steve started, pleased that at least his voice sounded stronger, “I nearly shot him, he nearly shot me too, so fair play”

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Pretty sure that every day afterwards, I wished I’d shot him. He probably thought the same about me” Steve continued, he realised that some of Danny’s guests looked uncomfortable, but he didn’t care, this wasn’t for them, this was for him. It was for Danny. 

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“We were told that we argued like an old married couple…” Steve abruptly stopped talking as again, he imagined how their future could have been. He felt his eyes well up again, but refused to let them fall.

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Sometimes the arguments got a bit heated. I think” he stopped again and tried to gather himself

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“I think it’s because of how deeply Danny cared” Steve straightened the paper again, and continued, “He cared about everything and everyone”

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Over time, we became Ohana. And our Ohana grew; first Kono Kalakaua and Chin Ho Kelly joined us. Then Lou Grover, Jerry Ortega, Tani Rey and Junior Reigns. And of course, our extended Ohana included Dr. Max Bergmanm, Adam Noshimuri, Kamekona and SGT Duke Lukela”

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Danno had a heart of gold” Steve stopped again

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Nothing was – ” Steve stopped speaking and gripped the stand again, he needed to make this speech shorter, he’d been up here for too long, there was too long to go. He needed to get away from here.

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

“Nothing was too difficult when – ” he stopped again. Why was this so hard for him? It’s not like it was the first time he’d spoken at a funeral. It wasn’t even the first time he’d spoken about a friend, even a close friend, at a funeral, so why now? He didn’t have the answers; all he knew was that he couldn’t stay up here any longer. 

In for three, hold for three, release for three. Repeat.

Steve put the paper back in his pocket and took another deep breath, “Rest in peace, my friend”. He gave a salute so crisp; he was surprised Joe didn’t fall over. 

Steve left the stand, but instead of returning to his spot in the crowd, he continued walking passed the gathering. He walked out of the cemetery and didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that's it for now. There's another five or so chapters left to go, so it's not finished yet, but unfortunately you'll have to wait until I get back from my hiatus to read on. And from what I have planned, it will definitely be worth it.
> 
> So what's to come? I can't really say more than if you think Steve's in a bad spot now, you ain't seen nothing yet. I promise it'll get better in the end though... marginally... There may be a sequel in the future, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. 
> 
> So stay tuned. I'll be back end of July, and whilst I may not have internet connection whilst I'm away, I most certainly have my laptop, so you shouldn't have to wait long for chapters once I get back...


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm back as promised.  
> I would apologize for the hell I put Steve through in this chapter, but hopefully at the end... (of the story) it'll make more sense. So in the meantime, it may be a little OOC...  
> Anywho, enjoy!

After the funeral, Steve had taken off again, back to the trail he’d abandoned a few days prior. He didn’t return for three weeks. But when he returned, he was a shell of the man he used to be.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Time seemed to lose all meaning. One day would end, only to be followed by another.

_“Hold on, before we do this, I just want you to know one thing” Danny said, holding his hand out to stop what Steve was doing, even as he lay back in the rubble covered by grey dust that was once a car park complex_

_“What?” Steve asked, turning back to face his partner_

_“Whatever happens, I really, really… from the bottom of my heart… hate you so much” Danny responded, finishing with a laugh_

_Steve grinned and began laughing too, then focused back on the charge he was working on, “I love you too, pal”_

A jingling sound brought Steve back to the land of wakefulness. It took him a moment to realise that the jingling was coming from his fishing rod. 

He gingerly got to his feet, clutching his ribs as he stood up. He figured at least one of them was broken, but things could have been worse. The guy could have been coordinated and done some real damage.

He stared out over the open water for a moment, mindlessly grabbing his packet of cigarettes from his short’s pocket and pulling a smoke out of the corner with his teeth. He pulled the lighter from inside the packet and lit the cigarette. He took a long drag before finally picking up the fishing rod that was still jingling away.

He reeled the fish in and looked at the small fish on the end of the line in disappointment. This was the second small fish he’d caught this afternoon.

He pulled the fish out of the water, then took the hook out of its mouth and threw it back in the water. He made quick work of baiting the line and casting it back into the water.

Steve took the cigarette out of his mouth as he sauntered over to the esky and pulled out a nice cold beer. He twisted the cap and took a long drink as he went back to the desk chair. Sitting down, he put the beer down in the cup holder and finished the cigarette, before putting the butt into the empty beer bottle on the ground.

He sighed and unconsciously rubbed at his sore, red wrists. At least there was less chaffing on his wrists from his latest arrest. He wasn’t sure that he’d still have a job at the end of it though, once the Governor heard about his latest drama….well, there was only so many times you could suspend a guy…

Steve took another long drag from the beer bottle and considered, not for the first time, just putting an end to it all. The only thing that stopped him was Danny’s last wish; his plea for Steve to look after his kids. Not that he’d done a very good job of that, Steve couldn’t even look after himself. The last time he’d seen Grace still haunted him… She should never have seen him like that.

Rachel had asked him to look after the kids overnight whilst she attended to something. Naturally, he’d agreed. But somehow between the phone call three days prior and the kids arriving at his place, he’d forgotten. Apparently (and ‘apparently’ because he didn’t remember), Grace had let her and her brother in and went looking for him. Then they found him passed out in the kitchen.

Grace had called Joe, who had come over straight away. When Joe was unsuccessful getting a response from Steve, he’d dragged him to the nearest toilet. And not wanting to involve the emergency services, he’d made a rudimentary device and pumped Steve’s stomach.

Steve had come to, heaving into the porcelain god. When he was finished, he’d sat back and stared in confusion at the three faces watching him. He hadn’t meant to drink as much as he did. He’d just wanted to numb the pain.

After that, Joe had sent the kids home, having stern words with Rachel when he did. He’d also put a stop to the visits until Steve had a better handle on things.

Joe had been a god send. He had ended up staying with him after he returned from his jaunt through the trails of O’ahu, trying to keep him on the straight and narrow. Joe hadn’t had much of a choice in the end, courtesy of a court order, not that it did much good.

Steve liked having the guy around, but also hated it. He hated it because he couldn’t hide from the man, he saw straight through him. Like how he saw through him when he tried to lie to him after his second arrest.

_Steve wordlessly followed Joe into his house. He rubbed at his red and raw wrists, he shouldn’t have run from HPD, they had a habit of putting the cuffs on too tight when that happened._

_Joe marched them straight through the house and to the sandy beach beyond. Joe stopped and took off his over-shirt, revealing the white t-shirt underneath, “Take off your shirt”_

_Steve had a feeling he knew what was coming, “No, I’m not – why?”_

_“So you don’t get blood on it” Joe growled, then took off his white t-shirt._

_“No, I’m not fighting you Joe” Steve told him_

_Joe rounded on him, his face angrier than Steve had ever seen before. Then he launched his attack, his fist connecting with Steve’s face before he even knew what was happening._

_Steve blocked the next punch and tried to hit the other man, but his fist was blocked. They traded blows for what seemed like hours. Steve got a few lucky punches through, but Joe was a better fighter._

_Any time Steve fell to the sand, Joe yelled at him to get up, not ceasing in his attack. Joe was furious._

_Eventually, Steve fell again. But this time Joe didn’t tell him to get up. Instead he yelled, “Cocaine?!!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”_

_Steve clambered to his feet, but as soon as he got up, Joe hit him again, knocking him straight back down again, “Stay down! What the fuck do you think you were doing?!!!”_

_Steve spat the blood out of his mouth, then said, “I’m sorry, Joe”_

_“You’re sorry?! You don’t seem ‘sorry’! ‘Sorry’ doesn’t run from the police when they raid the house - !”_

_“I wasn’t in the house, I was half-way down the street – ” Steve interrupted_

_“I wasn’t finished! Don’t interrupt me again!!!” Joe roared, “Why the hell did you run?”_

_Steve huffed out a breath, “Why? Why do you think?! They knew me!”_

_“How long have you been using that shit?!” Joe asked_

_“That was the first time I bought it” Steve answered_

_“The first time, huh?” Joe asked_

_“Yes Sir” Steve answered_

_“If I found out you’re lying, I’m done with you” Joe growled at him, “Now, last chance, how many times have you used cocaine?!”_

_Steve swallowed, he felt his eyes start to water. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t let Joe leave him, Joe was the last one left. They all left in the end. Finally, he gasped out, “Twice, I’ve used twice”_

_“Twice? That’s your final answer?” Joe asked_

_Steve let the tears fall down his face, mixing with the blood that was already there. He nodded and answered quietly, fearfully, “Yes Sir”_

_Joe looked down at the mess that was once his second-in-command. He believed him this time. He sighed and ran his hand over his head, “You need help”_

_“I know” Steve whispered, even as his body started to tremble. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked up at Joe through glassy eyes. He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, then rasped out, “Are you going to leave me too?”_

Steve snapped of his reverie and stared at the calm ocean water. He pulled his hat down to cover his eyes. Maybe it would be better when he woke up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, because you've waited so long, have another one...

The ringing of his cell phone made him start. The noise sounded piercing in comparison to the sound of the water splashing against the side of the boat.

Steve took off his hat and glanced at the display on his phone. It was Captain Grover.

Well, there were only two reasons that man would be calling him today. It was either about his latest arrest, which he was loathe to talk about. Or worse yet, it was about the psych appointment he’d missed this morning. Neither sounded appealing, so Steve had a drink of his now-warm beer and let the phone go to voicemail.

But no sooner had the phone stopped ringing, that it started ringing again. And again it was Grover.

This time, Steve reached across and cancelled the call. He didn’t want to talk to the other man. He didn’t want to hear about his suspension. He didn’t want to argue that he couldn’t be suspended when he was still on sick leave. He didn’t want to talk about why he was on sick leave, or the mandatory appointments with the shrink. The mandatory appointments with the shrink that he refused to go to.

He just didn’t like the shrink. Dr. Shane Walters was too ….together. He had a loving husband, a cute little girl, and a baby on the way. He had everything Steve had wanted in life but couldn’t have any longer. Steve hated him for it. 

The ringing of his phone pulled Steve from his reverie. Grover again. Well, he was certainly persistent. Again, Steve reached over and ended the call.

Steve grabbed another cigarette and lit it up. He inhaled deeply, hoping the nicotine would put a stop to the feeling of impending doom. He wondered if he would ever feel better again. If he would ever feel alive again.

This time, the Sat phone started ringing. And this time, Steve jumped out of his deck chair and ran into the cabin. He opened his backpack and quickly located the phone. He had a feeling that the person he’d hear on the other end would be Grover, but they had an agreement; the Sat phone was for emergencies only.

“McGarrett” he answered cautiously

“Steve!” the voice on the other end belonged to Grover

“I swear to god, if this is about me missing that psych appointment this morning” Steve started, biting out the words, he was ready for a fight, and so be it if it was only a verbal one.

“No Steve, I’m not calling about that” Grover responded

“Well, if it’s about me getting arrested – ” Steve said

“You – what?” Grover interrupted, “When? No, it’s not about that either! Would you shut up for just a minute!”

Steve heard him sigh heavily, then say, “Don’t think that I’m gonna forget about your latest arrest, but we will talk about that later. I need you to come back to the office”

Steve snorted, “Not going to happen. That’s not your ‘emergency’ is it? I thought we agreed, emergencies only”

“You weren’t answering your cell phone!” Grover exclaimed, “And you know what, no, this isn’t an emergency, but we agreed on ‘emergencies or issues of vital importance’ and this falls into the latter”

“Issues of vital importance?” Steve parroted, then cursed silently when his cigarette burnt his fingers. He quickly flicked it off the edge of the boat, grimacing as he did so. He hated litterers.

“It means, something you need to know sooner rather than later, it means that if you’re not answering your damn cell phone and I think the issue’s important enough, I’m calling the damn Sat phone!!” Grover exclaimed angrily

Steve ran his hand through his hair. Despite the fact that Grover and himself hadn’t been on good terms lately, if he thought that this was ‘an issue of vital importance’ and therefore called the Sat phone, then it probably meant something. Particularly when the guy knew how much Steve liked to break all links with the outside life, and that he’d consider this call trespassing and never take the stupid phone again.

“What’s so important then?” Steve asked

“I can’t…” Grover stopped, sounding a bit uncertain, “I can’t tell you over the phone, you need to come in”

The hairs on the back of Steve’s neck stood up. Either he was talking about something classified that couldn’t go over the phone – in which case he’d probably say so – or he was planning an ambush. An ambush to take Steve into custody, and he’d either end up in prison or in a white padded room. 

Steve reconsidered as a third possibility presented itself. Maybe the taskforce had been taken hostage… 

“Should I bring pizza?” Steve asked, hoping the Segway didn’t seem too obvious. But he needed to double check. They needed to change codewords.

“No Steve” Grover responded, “I don’t think pizza’s necessary. Unless you’re hungry”

“No, I’m not hungry Lo- Captain Grover!” Steve snapped. He pinched the bridge of his nose and said softer, “If you’re setting me up to lock me away – ”

“No Steve” Grover interrupted, “Look, I know what you must think. But really, I just need you to come in for something. I can’t tell you what, least not over an unsecure line. Where are you?”

Steve sighed, he knew he was going to give in. He looked around at his surroundings, “I’m.. I’m out at sea. It’ll take me about an hour to get back to port”

“Okay, let’s say two hours then” Grover told him

“Fine” Steve heard himself saying, “See you then”


	13. Chapter 13

As Steve walked towards the glass doors, he saw two men in black suits leave the office. Everything about the men screamed FBI! He vaguely wondered what they were doing at the HQ, but decided he didn’t really care anymore.

Grover was standing just inside the door as Steve approached. Steve readied himself for the battle he was about to have. Whatever the reason for Grover telling him to come in, there were things that needed to be said.

“Steve, good to see you” Grover said civilly, holding out his hand as if to shake his hand. This was very different to how Steve imagined it. It was very different to their last face-to-face interaction.

Steve eyed the hand suspiciously, then grasped it. Grover smiled, then hung on to his hand and drew him closer, “I’m gonna need you to give me your gun”

“That’s not going to happen” Steve replied, pulling his hand away.

“You don’t give me the gun, you’re not going in” Grover pressed, the smile having fallen from his face.

“Guess I’m not going in then” Steve said nonchalantly, then turned around as he said, “Thanks for calling me off the water, it’s been a hoot”

“Steve” Joe White’s voice came from just beyond the door, “It’s okay, it’s just a precaution”

Steve turned around and eyed the other man, “What’re you doing here?”

“Lou called me” Joe shrugged, “He asked me for my help with something. So here I am”

“Here you are” Steve parroted back. He felt like he should be pissed at the other man, but instead, all he felt was numbness.

Joe gave a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Then he said, “You need to see this for yourself, so you need to come inside, but that” he pointed at Steve’s firearm, “Can’t come in with you”

Steve shrugged, “Like I told Captain Grover – ”

“I prefer to call him ‘Lou’” Joe interrupted, making a point without saying anything further

Steve’s narrowed his eyes, “Like I said, I don’t want to go in”

“You’ll regret it” Joe said, then approached Steve and stared at his face, “You been fighting again?”

Steve swallowed heavily, then responded, “You should see the other guy”

“Is he alive?” Joe asked

“Yes, he’s alive!” Steve exclaimed, “I do have some control you know”

“I doubt that. So is this the reason you got arrested again?” Joe asked

“You told him about that?” Steve snapped at Grover

“Yeah he did. You know, if my questions are making you uncomfortable, you could just give me your weapon and go inside” Joe told him

“Fine” Steve spat, then unholstered his weapon, took the magazine off, took the round out of the chamber and passed it to Joe. “Happy now?” he asked

“Extraordinarily” Joe answered

Grover opened the doors and waved his hand through, “After you”

Steve glanced at Joe, who merely raised an eyebrow at him, then walked through the double glass doors.

As he got nearer to the briefing table, he noticed the light on in Danny’s office. The sight made him furious all over again, he rounded on Grover, and bit out angrily, “What have I told you about that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Grover responded

“I told you nobody uses Danny’s office! I don’t want to see some newbie sitting in there, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you! Get them out of there” Steve said angrily

“No” Grover replied, crossing his arms, “You do it”

Steve pursed his lips, then turned around and stalked to the office. As he walked into the office, he took a deep breath, ready to tear this new person a new one. But the sight that greeted him made him deflate.

“Danny?” Steve whispered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha!!!! 
> 
> More to come...


	14. Chapter 14

Danny smiled and pushed himself off the desk he was leaning on, “Hi hunny, I’m home” he said, as though nothing had happened. As though he hadn’t just faked his death and disappeared for three and a half months. At least it wasn’t 20 years …

Steve felt such a strong emotion, he wasn’t even sure what it was. Anger, happiness, hatred, confusion, relief. He felt himself moving forward, but he didn’t know if he was going to hit the guy, or kiss him. Turned out it was the former.

Steve hit Danny with a resounding thwack to his face. Steve then understood why Grover and Joe had disarmed him before entering the office, he was sure that if he’d had his weapon, he would have shot Danny. Which was kind of ironic given that’s how this situation had started, with Danny being shot.

Danny didn’t block the punch, he saw it coming, but let it land on his face. Instead he just raised his hand to his cheek and stretched his jaw. He looked up at Steve, “Good to see you too”

Steve felt like hitting Danny again, but refrained. He opened his mouth to demand answers, but he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know how to ask why Danny had put him through that. He didn’t know how to tell Danny the effect of his ‘death’ on him. He didn’t know how to tell Danny that his ‘death’ had nearly killed him. 

He stood there, opening his mouth, then closing it again when he’d reconsider the words. He probably looked like a goldfish. 

Danny glanced at Joe, as if for help as he said, “I think I broke him”. He gave half a grin, but his eyes looked worried. He looked back at Steve and asked, “You okay, babe?”

“Explain” Steve finally bit out

Danny nodded, then leant back against his desk, “I went undercover for the FBI. They took advantage of my injuries and put out the word that I didn’t make it. After the surgery, they put me in the quarantined area of the hospital so nobody would see me whilst I recovered enough to be transported. They loaded me into an ambulance and took me to a discrete location to recover. Then they briefed me on my assignment”

“Which was what?” Steve asked

“Classified” Danny responded, grinning as he did

“Didn’t you think to maybe say ‘no’?” Steve asked

“I couldn’t even if I’d wanted to, the ball was already in motion. Steve, by the time I had recovered enough to listen to their proposal, you’d already had the funeral” Danny explained, “Besides, once I heard what they had to say, I decided I wanted to do it”

“But you still let everyone think you were dead?” Steve asked

Danny shrugged in apology, “You already thought I was dead. And the FBI didn’t have anyone else to ask”

“Why?” this time, junior asked the question

“Sorry, that’s classified too” Danny replied

Steve nodded, he’d heard enough. “Welcome back Danny” he said, then turned on his heel and left the office.

Steve left the office and got into his car. As he tried to put the keys in the ignition, he noticed his hands were shaking severely. They were shaking so much, he couldn’t get the keys into the ignition. He was panting too, in short and sharp breaths. He wasn’t getting enough oxygen and had started hyperventilating.

He leant forward and rested his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to calm his breathing. It felt like something in his chest was trying to break free, but he didn’t know what it was. 

A rap on his window startled him and he jumped back in the seat. As he turned to the sound, expecting to see Danny, he saw Duke looking in at him in concern. Steve finally managed to get the keys in the ignition and lowered the window.

“Steve, you okay?” Duke asked him

“Never better” Steve responded, ignoring the aching feeling in his chest. Ignoring the feeling that he was about to explode.

Duke sighed, “I told the boys not to press charges against you over what happened last night. By all accounts, he started it”

Steve nodded, “He hit a woman. Twice”

“Next time, call us before you put a guy in hospital” Duke told him

“He deserved it” Steve responded. He didn’t need to tell Duke that hitting the guy had felt good, and he’d kept hitting him until he started feeling better about things. He didn’t need to tell Duke that by the time he’d stopped hitting the guy, he realised he’d gone too far. Joe was right, the guy was lucky to be alive.

Duke tapped the wind seal, “Take care of yourself” he said, then disappeared

“Mahalo” Steve said back to him, then he started the car and quickly drove home. His pulse was racing, and from time to time, he felt the edges of his vision begin to blur. He blinked until his vision would clear, and focused on taking slow, deep breaths.

Steve managed to hold it together until he got home. But no sooner had he gotten out of the car, that nameless emotion, the feeling of something bursting within him, came back with more force than before. It had increased tenfold.

He stumbled towards the door, feeling his breath become short again. His heart was beating so fast and so hard, he felt like it was about to fly out of his chest. His legs felt like dead-weights, pulling him to the ground. 

He fell to his knees on his front lawn. He panted in desperation, whatever was about to happen, he didn’t want it to happen in public. He wanted to be in the safety of his house. But he couldn’t summon the strength to get up.

His body began trembling. He wrapped his arms around himself and started rocking backwards and forwards. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to get control of his breathing, to no avail. Slowly, he canted forwards and fell onto the grass, then turned onto his side. He pulled himself into the foetal position and willed the trembling to stop.


	15. Chapter 15

Steve was relaxing, sitting on one of the deck chairs facing the ocean, when he realised he had company. He didn’t look up as Danny sat beside him. It didn’t take long before Danny spoke.

“Do I need to resign from Five-0?” Danny asked

Steve frowned and finally turned to the other man, “What?”

“You heard me. Everyone welcomed me back with a hug or a handshake, but not you” Danny explained

“I said ‘welcome back’” Steve responded

“Yeah, after you punched me – ” Danny said

“You deserved that” Steve interrupted

“Yeah” Danny finally agreed, “Sorry”

Steve stared at the other man for a moment, then turned back to watch the water. He still didn’t know what to say to the other man. Thankfully, Danny took care of that.

“I saw Rachel and the kids yesterday” Danny told him

Steve supposed it made sense that he’d see them first. He looked at Danny again, carefully making sure nothing was written on his face, he responded, “I bet that was interesting”

Danny stared at him for a moment, then said, “Very interesting. Rachel told me that you two had spent some time together”

Steve silently swore, “It was an accident”

“An accident?!” Danny exclaimed, “It happened three times!”

“It happened twice” Steve corrected

“An accident doesn’t happen twice, Steven. Did you just slip and fall onto my ex-wife multiple times – on two different occasions? No, don’t answer, I don’t want to know. Were you two just waiting for me to kick the can?” Danny exclaimed

“You concise language Danny, you didn’t ‘kick the can’, you died! And no, we weren’t just waiting for that to happen. We were grieving, and we were drunk. Very drunk” Steve responded, “It just happened, it didn’t mean anything”

Danny grumbled something under his breath, then picked up Steve’s beer and had a long drink. Then keeping his eyes on the water, he nonchalantly said, “You know Rachel knew, right?”

“What?” Steve asked, confused by the Segway

Danny put the beer back on the table and turned to his companion, “Rachel knew I wasn’t dead. The FBI had to tell her; she wanted an open casket at the funeral”

Steve felt his jaw drop; he knew there was a reason he didn’t trust her. He sighed heavily, “Well, now I just feel used”

Danny chuckled, “Welcome to my world” he said, before getting semi-serious again, “Tell me you used protection”

“What?” Steve asked, feeling off put by the question

“Condoms, Steve. They’re little latex balloon things that you put over your dick before having intercourse” Danny explained, “You might be familiar with ‘if it’s not on, it’s not on’? They’re referring to condoms”

“I know what they are, Danny” Steve growled

“So?” Danny prompted

“What?” Steve asked

“Oh my god, this is like drawing water from a rock! What is wrong with you? I just asked you a question, you putz! Did you wear a condom when you had intercourse with my ex?” Danny asked

“Yes! I don’t know, I think so” Steve responded

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Danny asked

“I mean I don’t know, Danny, we weren’t exactly thinking clearly! I think I put one on, but I don’t know” Steve exclaimed, trying to recall the details of that night – both nights. Both nights were a blur, he’d had far too much to drink. He just remembered Rachel’s voice and the suggestions and the not wanting to be alone… “I don’t know, Danny”

“Great” Danny said, throwing both of his hands up, “So there could be mini-Steve’s running around in the next 6-9 months”

“It’d be about 7” Steve told him, “And surely Rachel takes the pill, right?”

“How would I know? Given how Charlie was conceived, I’d say probably not” Danny responded, then sighed, “Look, whatever, we’ll deal with it if it happens. But first, I need to know that we’re okay”

“Danny, you faked your death!” Steve exclaimed, “I’m not okay with that!”

“Yeah, Lou said you struggled a bit” Danny said quietly, “I really am sorry, babe. I wished I could have told you the truth”

“Lou told you – what did he say?” Steve asked, suddenly feeling cheated

“Just that you weren’t coping very well” Danny responded, “He didn’t give me any details, he said he’d let you do that”

Steve sighed heavily, but didn’t say anything, letting the silence drag on. Eventually, he said quietly, “I think you should go, Danny”

“Does that mean we’re not okay?” Danny asked

“I don’t know what it means!” Steve exclaimed, then stood up, “I want you to go”

“Fine, but I want a hug before I go” Danny told him, holding out his arms

“I’m not going to hug you” Steve responded

“Everyone else did” Danny said, then moved forward, his arms still outstretched

Steve took a step forward and grabbed the front of Danny’s shirt. Danny winced, expecting another punch, but instead Steve smashed their lips together. 

Steve intended for the kiss to be a quick one, more of an expression of his feelings rather than anything else. He’d always been one for actions over words. But as Danny gasped, he took the opportunity and thrust his tongue into his mouth. He would probably never get this opportunity again.

Then as soon as it had begun, it stopped. Steve pulled back and stared at Danny, still shocked over his actions. He hadn’t meant to kiss the other man, but his body had had other ideas.

Danny touched his lip and looked at his bloodied finger. That was unexpected. He glanced up at Steve, who’s walls were already going back up, shutting off his emotions again. That couldn’t be healthy.

“I’m sorry. You should go” Steve said, feeling that deep ache in his chest again. He tried to close the lid on his emotions again, to go back to that feeling of numbness, where nothing hurt.

Danny closed the gap between them, ignoring how Steve braced himself to be hit. Carefully, he placed a hand on the back of Steve’s head and drew him down so he could kiss him, properly this time.

Steve groaned and stepped closer, putting his hands on Danny’s arse and pulling him close to his body. He felt Danny do the same, one hand resting on his hip, as their tongues duelled. 

Steve reached between their bodies and slipped his hand beneath the waistband on Danny’s shorts. He hadn’t had the chance to appreciate Danny in shorts before, but it was a good look on the man. Besides, it was easier to get to his goal than that of pants – with the belt buckle, button and zip to contend with…

Danny placed a hand over his to stop him, then breathed into his ear, “Not here, we’re still in public”

“It’s a private beach, Danno” Steve breathed back, then captured his mouth again.

Danny let himself go with it, letting Steve’s hand continue downwards until he finally palmed Danny’s cock. 

“Going commando?” Steve whispered

Instead of answering, Danny thrust himself into Steve’s palm. Steve got with the program and started stroking him.

Then Danny’s hand was going beneath the waistband of his shorts, beneath his underwear, until his palm was over Steve’s dick. Steve moaned and thrust upwards, he wasn’t going to last long. He’d waited too long for this moment.

Steve pulled his shorts down, letting them fall to the ground, and watched in fascination as Danny did the same. Then Danny took both of their cocks in his hand, letting Steve keep his hand over the top of his, and set the pace. 

Steve committed the picture to memory, he wasn’t sure if this opportunity would arise again, so he had to make the most of it. Danny captured his mouth again, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth.

“Wait, I want to – ” Steve pulled his head back a bit to say

“There’ll be plenty of time for that” Danny interrupted. He fastened the pace, keeping his eyes locked on Steve’s.

Steve felt it coming and tried to warn Danny, but the other man was already there. Steve put his head against Danny’s, licking the flesh on his neck. Then he let go, coming all over their stomachs and hands. As he came, he bit down on Danny’s neck, marking him as his own.


	16. Chapter 16

After Steve caught his breath, he felt reality come crashing back in on him again. What had he just done? He needed to get away from Danny, he needed to leave, but he felt frozen (in fear?). So he stayed where he was, as tense as a string about to break.

“Stop it” Danny murmured against his neck, “You’re thinking too loudly”

“Danno” Steve murmured

Danny pulled them apart and looked at Steve in the eye, “I’m only going to say this once, babe, so listen carefully; I wanted this as much as you. I have no regrets. And actually, I’d really like to do this again, and more. I love you”

Steve finally breathed out, relief washing over him, “I love you too. I’m still pissed at you though”

“I know, that’s allowed” Danny responded

Steve drew him in again and kissed him deeply, he couldn’t believe his luck! He’d never really entertained the idea that his feelings were returned. Steve pulled them apart, then took Danny’s hand and led him back to the house.

“I know I said I’d like to do more, babe, but I’m not 16 anymore, I don’t think I’ll be good to go again for at least a few hours” Danny advised him

“That’s not what I had in mind” Steve responded, leading him up to his bedroom

When they got there, Steve turned the shower on, then got undressed, indicating that Danny should do the same. When they were both undressed, Steve took a moment to admire Danny’s body, taking note of a few new scars. He took Danny by the hand again, and drew him into the shower with him.

As the water cascaded over their bodies, Steve took care in soaping up his partner. The actions felt soothing to his soul, which had been screaming for so long. Danny stood there wordlessly, letting Steve go through the actions, maybe even understanding what he was doing.

When he was finished, Danny turned him around and did the same. It was intimate without being sexual. After he was finished, Steve turned off the water and they got out of the shower. Steve grabbed a towel and started drying Danny.

“Steve,” Danny said, stopping him, “Babe, come on, that’s not necessary”

Steve stopped his efforts, then drew Danny closer with the towel and kissed his deeply, before pulling him into a big hug. He held on tightly, afraid that if he let go, the other man would disappear. 

“Okay” Danny said when the embrace lasted too long, “Steven, please”

Steve let him go, then shivered with the loss of body heat. Danny sighed, then wrapped the towel around his partner and started rubbing his shoulders. He started to realise that Steve really wasn’t okay. He was different to the man he’d left. It was to be expected, but he didn’t think he’d be struggling this much, or this long.

“Steve, can you dry yourself, or do you want me to do it?” Danny asked softly

As if the words prompted him, Steve took the towel and dried himself off. When he was done, Danny led them back into the bedroom to lie down on the bed. He was exhausted, the last couple of weeks of the operation had been intense. And his home-coming was no less intense.

He breathed a sigh of relief and happiness when he was finally horizontal and his head hit the pillow. Steve curled around him, putting his head on his chest, flinging his arm possessively over his middle and entangling one of his legs around Danny’s. Danny smiled in contentment and let sleep take him.


	17. Chapter 17

Danny woke to the feeling of being watched. He opened his eyes to find Steve watching him. Danny smiled and croaked out a “Morning sunshine”

“Morning” Steve replied

Danny cleared his throat, “How long you been awake?”

Steve shrugged, “A while”

Danny mentally did the arithmetic and worked out his partner had been awake for a few hours. “Have you been staring at me the whole time?”

Instead of answering, Steve leaned forward and kissed him. Danny moaned into Steve’s mouth, he could get with this program. 

Steve started kissing down his neck, worrying the bite mark that he’d made yesterday, before continuing. He catalogued every part of Danny’s body, kissing old wounds, along with new. He frowned at the scar on Danny’s hip, but didn’t ask about it, as much as he wanted to, instead he placed a kiss on it and continued. 

When he was done with his torso, Steve started on Danny’s legs, deliberately avoiding his groin.

After he was done there, Steve got Danny to turn over, then repeated the process on his back and back of his legs. Finally, Steve worked his way up the inside of Danny’s thigh and ended up at his buttocks. He kissed all over Danny’s ass, then spread his cheeks and started on the inside. Whenever Danny tried to create some friction or thrust into the mattress, Steve would stop. 

He licked over Danny’s hole and started the thrust his tongue inside. He stopped when Danny started squirming. 

After what seemed like hours, Steve stopped his efforts to reach over into his bedside table, and returned with the tube of lube.

Finally getting back to the job at hand, Steve poured a generous amount of lube into Danny’s ass, then started thrusting a finger inside. Whilst still working his finger in an out of Danny’s hole, he leaned across Danny’s body to whisper in his ear, “Do you like that, Danny-boy?”

“Would you hurry up and just get inside me already?” Danny grumbled back

Steve stopped moving his finger, grinning at the noise Danny made, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said, say again?”

“Nothing” Danny said

“That’s what I thought” Steve responded, resuming his efforts and adding a second finger. He whispered, “I’ve wanted to do this for so long”

Danny grunted when the second finger was added, but he didn’t tense up, his body accepted the intrusion. “Me too” Danny panted back at him

Steve kissed Danny’s neck, then gave him another hickie. He added another finger and had to restrain himself from thrusting against Danny’s body. 

Finally having enough, Steve withdrew his fingers and lubed himself up. He had to press on the base of his cock to stop himself coming, he was so on edge. 

“Wait” Danny suddenly said

“What?” Steve asked, panicking that Danny didn’t actually want this

“I just – I want to see your face” Danny answered, then started turning around.

Steve waited until he was settled, then took his position and slowly guided himself into Danny’s hole. Once he bottomed out, he stayed there for a moment to give Danny time to adjust. He watched Danny’s face for the okay to go ahead.

The intensity of the situation finally dawned on him. He’d loved this man for eight years. He’d loved this man for eight years and he’d faked his death. He’d been declared dead and they’d buried him. They had had a funeral and everything. Steve had even spoken – or tried to speak – in the Eulogy. And now he was home, because he wasn’t really dead. 

He was finally home and they confessed their feelings for one another. And they were finally *FINALLY* showing their love in the most primal way.

“Steve?” Danny’s voice broke him out of his reverie.

Steve stared at Danny’s face, he thought of everything he’d thought he’d lost. He thought of how lost he’d been himself over the last three months. And suddenly, he felt that ache in his chest again, the one that had felt like something in him was going to explode. 

He felt himself begin to tremble, and then there were tears rolling down his face. He tried to get them to stop, but it was no use, it was like a dam that’d burst. And there was no greater turn off than crying during sex. He felt himself go soft and fall from Danny’s body.

“Steve?” Danny asked again, this time, his voice was laden with concern, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry” Steve whispered. He felt like he should jump up and tell Danny to leave, but he was too afraid that the man would never come back. And that’d kill Steve. He wouldn’t be able to keep up the pretence anymore. He’d never survive that.

Steve moved off of Danny’s body and lay down beside him, his body still trembling. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to get his hitching breath under control. “I’m sorry” he whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut so he didn’t have to see the look of disappointment on Danny’s face.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” Danny told him, shifting on the bed to watch his partner

“Please don’t leave me” Steve whispered, finally opening his eyes again

“I’m not going anywhere” Danny told him resolutely. He let the silence carry on for a moment, then asked, “What just happened then?”

Steve sniffed loudly and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, then shrugged, “I was thinking too much”

Danny snorted, but left that one alone, “Why?”

“I don’t know, Danny” Steve responded

They sat in silence for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Steve noticed that Danny was still flying at half-mast. He nodded at ‘little’ Danny and said, “I can help with that”

Danny frowned in confusion, then looked down at himself and grinned. Then he looked at Steve in concern, not wanting to take advantage of the other man, “You sure you’re up for that?”

“I’m sure” Steve responded, making come hither motions

Danny walked to the edge of the bed, as Steve scooted to the edge so he was between Danny’s legs. He put his mouth over Danny and went to work. He hadn’t had much experience with giving blow-jobs, but he knew what felt good for him, so he replicated that on Danny.

As he worked, Steve felt himself start to get interested again. He started stroking himself, encouraging little Steve to play along, and maybe he could get back to what he was doing before he started thinking too much.

Steve pulled back from Danny, ignoring the grumpy look the other man gave him. “Ah, if you’re keen, could we pick up where we were before?”

Danny looked down and grinned when he saw Steve’s hard, leaking cock against Steve’s stomach. “I think we can manage that” he said, then crawled onto the bed, “You still okay with face-to-face?”

“Yeah, think so” Steve told him, fitting himself between Danny’s legs. He applied more lube, then lined himself up.

Steve looked into Danny’s eyes, then kissed him deeply. As his tongue entered Danny’s mouth, he guided his cock into Danny again and pushed until he was all the way in. He stopped for a moment and rested his forehead on Danny’s. He didn’t want his mind to go into overdrive like it did before.

“Okay, I’m ready” Danny said after his body got used to Steve being there.

Steve raised his head and stared into Danny’s eyes as he began to thrust. Danny pulled his head down and kissed him, shoving his tongue into Steve’s mouth. Danny began stroking himself in time with Steve’s thrusts.

“Steve” Danny panted, his hand jacking himself faster

Steve increased the pace of his thrusts and changed his angle a bit. He knew he’d hit the right spot, Danny gasped, “Steve, nearly there”

Steve continued to hit that spot, over and over, waiting for Danny to get there first. He wouldn’t be far behind. Danny finally arched his feet and gasped, “Steve!” before coming between their bodies.

As Danny came, he clenched himself down on Steve, drawing him closer to climax. Steve let go and hammered into Danny’s body. As expected, it didn’t take long. Steve buried his face on the crook of Danny’s neck and bit down again as he came deep inside Danny’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one seemed a bit off, hopefully more comes to light a bit later and makes this one make more sense.
> 
> Happy for all kinds of feedback, let me know what you think :)


	18. Chapter 18

Steve awoke to someone playing with his hair. Steve watched him as he stroked his hair, he still couldn’t believe his luck. This was never going to happen, never could have happened. 

“You need a haircut” Danny murmured when he noticed Steve was awake.

“It’s fine” Steve responded, “Yours, however, definitely needs a cut”

“Stay away from the doo” Danny told him, reflexively patting his hair. Then he looked down at Steve and asked him what had been bugging him since he arrived at Steve’s house and noticed something missing from the driveway. “Where’s my car?” he asked

Steve sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, then responded, “This is a conversation that needs to happen after coffee – or beer”

“What happened Steven?” Danny asked, not willing to let this go without an answer

“I totalled it” Steve responded eventually

“You what?” Danny asked

“I was driving too fast and I crashed” Steve allowed

“Were you drinking?” Danny asked

“I had been, yeah, but I was under the limit” Steve responded

Danny thought for a moment, then frowned, “Wait, you said you were driving too fast – by your standards or by the law’s?”

“Both” Steve admitted, “I was driving too fast and ‘driving recklessly’” 

“Steven, tell me the whole story, start at the beginning” Danny told him

Steve sighed, then sat up, “After your funeral, I went hiking for three weeks. About two weeks after I got back, I had had a few drinks with dinner, and decided to go out for a drive. I took the Camaro out onto the open roads and put my foot down, I didn’t care what happened. There weren’t many people on the roads, but the few I met, I overtook them. I took a couple of stupid risks”

_Steve overtook another road train, swerving sharply back into the right line afterwards. His chest hurt so much he thought it would burst out of his chest. His sight was blurry from the silent tears that just wouldn’t stop._

_He was in pain, but it wasn’t physical. He hadn’t been shot in weeks, he hadn’t been stabbed – none of the usual culprits for how he felt._

_He just wanted Danny back. He desperately wanted the other man to just reappear, with that stupid grin. He just wanted Danny to come back, even to argue with him one last time._

_Steve wiped his eyes again and swerved back to the left-hand lane as he swiftly approached a caravan going too slow. The semi-trailor coming in the other direction started beeping its horn at him. But Steve just pushed the accelerator straight to the floor._

“Go on” Danny encouraged him, snapping Steve out of his thoughts.

“I tried to overtake a caravan, there was a semi-trailor coming the other way. I thought I had more than enough time. When I realised I was wrong, I swerved off the road to get out of the path of the truck. I lost control of the car on the shoulder, I overcorrected too many times. The car flipped twice, before coming to a rest of its roof” Steve continued

_Steve swerved out of the path of the semi-trailor at the last possible minute, but it was too late. The truck clipped the back-side of the vehicle, sending the Camaro spinning._

“You okay?” Danny asked, thinking to himself that he’d obviously survived, and he wasn’t obviously missing a limb

“Few scratches and a concussion” Steve answered, “The ambulance arrived first, they found me sitting outside the car, leaning against the tyre, with blood running down my face. Small cut, just bled a lot. I can’t remember what I said to them, but they decided to take me to the hospital and admit me. They thought I was ‘a harm to myself or others’”

“They admitted you for psych reasons” Danny asked

“Yeah” Steve responded, feeling guilty for his actions. He would never tell Danny what really happened.

_Steve came to and quickly realised he was upside down. He blinked slowly, whilst reaching down to unplug his seat belt, which sent him plummeting to the floor – or the ceiling? Steve groaned, partly in pain, and partly in something else._

_The car door was jammed, so he kicked out the window and climbed through it. He fell heavily on the other side and stayed down for a moment as he took stock of his injuries. Surprisingly he was okay, a few scratches, maybe some broken ribs, definitely a broken arm._

_He pulled himself into a sitting position and leant against the car. He stared at the traffic on the motorway, what little of it there was at this time of day. Everybody going about their daily – or nightly – business, without a care in the world. Without knowing how much pain he was going through. Without knowing that the most important man in Steve’s world was gone._

_Somebody speaking to Steve startled him, and he looked up to find a woman approaching him. The woman was dressed in a paramedic’s uniform. That’s when Steve noticed an ambulance had pulled up, its red and blue lights creating a crazy kind of disco feel to the surreal scene. Another ambulance officer or paramedic was playing with equipment at the back end of the ambulance._

_“Hi there, I’m Stacey” the lady said as she came to a stop in front of him_

_Steve looked up at her again as his vision went red. He wiped a hand across his face and belatedly realised he was bleeding. He stared down at his hand in wonder. How had he missed that?_

_A hand on his shoulder made him jump. Suddenly the paramedic – he’d already forgotten her name – was kneeling in front of him. He belatedly realised she was still talking to him. She was asking so many questions. Questions he didn’t want to answer._

_“Can you tell me your name?” she asked as she started putting a blood pressure cuff over his arm_

_Steve frowned for a moment, then answered, “Steve McGarrett”_

_“Okay Steve, can you tell me what happened?”_

_Steve blinked away fresh tears and tried to answer, but the pain in his chest was back, “I just wanted it to end”_

_“What did you want to end?” the paramedic asked_

_“The pain” Steve whispered, choking back a sob, “So much pain”_

_“Are you in pain now?” she asked, as she started shining a torch in his eyes, indicating with her hand which way to look_

_Steve winced away from the bright light and held up a hand for her to stop. This was not how this was supposed to go. He looked back at the road and noticed more flashing lights in the distance. Whoever they were, he’d had enough of people seeing him like this._

_“Steve, can you tell me if you tried to commit suicide?” the paramedics voice snapped him back to the woman in front of him, the woman trying to lock him up._

_“What? No! No, I …” Steve said, then climbed unsteadily to his feet. He swayed a bit when he was upright and the paramedic tried to steady him by placing a hand on his arm, but he stepped out of her reach._

_“I’m fine” he said to her, then quickly glanced at the approaching lights. He could now make out the vehicle was a HPD one, followed soon after by a fire truck. He turned around and started walking in the opposite direction, away from the scene._

_“Steve!” the paramedic called. She caught up to him and walked alongside him, “Where are you going?”_

_“Doesn’t matter” Steve muttered, anywhere but here._

_“Steve, you need to stay here. You’re injured” the woman protested, she tried to reach out to him, but he sidestepped again, this time in the direction of the approaching traffic._

_“Had worse” he said flippantly. He just wanted the woman to go away, he heard the someone else jogging behind them to catch up, probably the other paramedic._

_“I don’t think you have” she answered, “Please, would you just stop?”_

_Steve found himself coming to a halt, despite what he wanted to do – which was run. The HPD vehicle was here now, they were rolling past the scene and stopped a few metres in front of Steve and the paramedics._

_“Steve, I think you need some help. I think you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling” the paramedic continued. But Steve wasn’t listening, he was watching the cop._

_The cop was now approaching the trio, his hand hovering over his weapon. “Everything okay here?” he asked_

_Steve reached to his own holster, but remembered that it wasn’t there. One of the reasons he was on sick leave instead of being suspended was that he’d agreed to hand over his weapon._

_What happened next happened so fast, Steve didn’t even realise what he was doing. Steve charged towards the cop, and as predicted, the officer drew his weapon and pointed it at Steve. But that didn’t stop him._

_Suddenly, he was hitting the dirt. But he hadn’t seen the officer fire and he hadn’t heard the bang…_

_He fought with whoever was holding him down, but he was fighting with more than one opponent. It wasn’t a fair fight._

_Then he was back in Afghanistan and his captors were going to chop off his head. It was all being recorded, a copy would be sent back to the allies and he’d be just another fatality. He fought harder, but the more he fought, the more his captors tightened their grip._

_He heard his captors talking to him, telling him to stop struggling, telling him they were here to help. But he knew it was a trick. He fought harder to no avail. They were going to do it now._

_Steve screamed._


	19. Chapter 19

“Steve!” Danny’s voice snapped him back to the present.

Steve found himself on the far side of the room, holed up in the corner. But he didn’t remember getting there. He was covered in sweat and he was panting.

Danny looked at him with worry in his eyes. 

“Danny?” Steve asked him

“I’m here, babe” Danny responded, kneeling in front of him, “You back?”

Steve closed his eyes and leant his head back against the wall. He felt so ashamed. He hated Danny seeing him like this. So out of control. He eventually whispered, “You should go”

“I don’t think so” Danny responded, then he was putting something warm and comforting around him.

Steve opened his eyes and found Danny placing a blanket over him. Then the other man sat down next to him and put the blanket over himself too. 

The two sat in silence for a moment for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.

Eventually Danny broke it, “So, what happened after that? The ambos admitted you to hospital. Usually they’d keep you for what? 72 hours? How long did you stay?”

Steve sighed, he didn’t really want to talk about this anymore. But he capitulated. “Yeah, just the mandatory three days. They discharged me, then I had a date with the magistrate. She suspended a sentence of 12 months, on the proviso that I get help and have someone keep an eye on me, make sure I get to appointments, that sort of thing” Steve responded

“Which Joe volunteered for” Danny said, filling in the blanks. When Steve nodded, Danny asked, “What did the Governor say?”

“He suspended me from active duty until he felt better about the situation. I told him he couldn’t suspend me whilst I was on sick-leave, he disagreed” Steve told him

“Did he know the full story?” Danny asked

Steve shrugged, “Not details. I … Before the accident, I stuffed up a couple of times at work… Lou told the Governor that instead of any formal action, I needed to go on sick leave”

Danny sighed heavily and the two lapsed into silence again. Then Danny asked, “The psych, you been speaking to them?”

The look Steve gave Danny answered the question. But Steve responded, “I go to the mandatory appointments”

“Most of the time” Danny added, having been at the office when Lou was notified.

Steve looked at Danny, then nodded, “Yeah, most of the time”

Steve started picking at the blanket, feeling uncomfortable at the topic, but feeling slightly better that Danny knew about some of it. Then he looked at Danny again and admitted quietly, “The guy wants to diagnose me with PTSD”

Danny watched Steve and quietly waited for him to continue.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking more about things I haven’t thought about in years. I’m more jumpy. I’ve had more difficulty sleeping, and the nightmares….” Steve finally said. He didn’t need to go through the list, he knew Danny understood most of the symptoms associated with the disorder.

“Alcohol helps” Steve finally added, he didn’t need to tell Danny about the cocaine use. Despite how it had made him feel, he hadn’t thought about trying it again after the beat down from Joe.

“Did you tell the psych about this?” Danny asked when Steve stopped talking and didn’t look like he was going to start again soon

Steve scoffed, then scrubbed at his face. “No, of course not. He hasn’t even told me …. I don’t like him…. We spend most of the session in silence” 

“Does he send reports back to the court?” Danny asked

Steve shrugged, then nodded, “Probably”

Danny swallowed what he wanted to say. He wanted to curse his partner for being a jerk, for not talking to the shrink, for not even playing the game. He knew the other man knew how to play. Eventually he settled with, “Does it have to be that shrink?”

“Danny, I don’t like talking to anybody about this stuff. You know that. What makes you think changing the shrink would change that?” Steve asked, feeling frustrated.

“I know a guy” Danny started, “He was a bomb disposal tech in the marine corps for nearly 10 years, ended up getting a medical discharge. Eventually he did the studies and became a shrink to help out where he can. I’ll let him tell you the rest of his story, if you let me introduce you to him? I think you’d hit it off”

“You sound like you’re trying to set us up” Steve muttered under his breath, with a grin

Danny snorted, “He doesn’t swing that way. And you’re all mine, I’m a possessive bastard”

Steve smiled, then felt his eyes get teary again, “Danny …”

“Yeah babe” Danny answered

“Don’t ever do that to me again” Steve eventually choked out, “You’ve gotta promise me”

Danny felt his eyes watering up in sympathy for Steve’s, “You know I can’t promise that, babe”

“Yes you can!” Steve exclaimed

“You want me to promise you not to die on you?” Danny asked, just to be sure

“I can’t go through that again” Steve told him, “It’d kill me”

Danny stared at the other man, and saw the truth to what he was saying. If he died, his partner wouldn’t last long before probably taking his own life. Maybe it was because of the other stuff that was going on with him, but maybe not. “Okay, I promise” Danny finally responded, knowing it was unreasonable, but he would try. 

“But you have to promise me the same thing” Danny told him, he knew how reckless his partner could be. And he knew Steve had a long road to recovery and that there would be tough times ahead.

“I’ll try” Steve replied

“No Steven! You made me promise, you have to do the same! Promise me! Now!” Danny exclaimed

Steve looked at him with watery eyes, but finally shrugged, “Fine, I promise”


	20. Chapter 20

Epilogue

Danny had been right. The road ahead was tough. But Steve had met with the new Shrink, Matthew Rees ( _“Call me Matt”_ ) and the two had hit it off.

Steve finally opened up and talked about things that he’d never spoken about before. It was no surprise that there was a lot of things that he’d kept bottled up. 

Dr. Matthew Rees had indeed finally diagnosed Steve with PTSD. But the diagnosis was just the start. Initially, the doc prescribed a bunch of meds to Steve to take to reduce some of his symptoms. He and Danny had a long and heated argument that night about taking the stupid meds. But Danny finally won, and Steve took the pills.

The treatment sessions were intense, and Steve frequently returned from them exhausted. He sometimes returned from the sessions looking pale and feeling sick. 

Joe played taxi for the first few weeks but got a priority assignment and had to leave – not before having a hard talk with both Steve and Danny. Danny took over taxi driver afterwards, despite Steve’s protests that he could drive. Danny had glared at him and explained the impact of the pills on his reaction times, among other things. Steve had eventually capitulated.

Danny was invited to one of the sessions after about 2 months, where the Doc explained Steve’s actions after Danny’s ‘death’. He compared Steve’s mechanism for coping with events to a game of Jenga. 

_“Yeah, I’ve played it. You start with a tower of the blocks, three to a row, stacked however many rows high. The row above is rotated 90 degrees to the row below it. You remove a block from a row at least two from the top and place the block at the top of the tower. The one who topples the tower loses” Danny said, nodding at the shrink_

_“Think of the blocks as stressful events in your life. The more stress a person has, the more unstable the tower. If the person takes time to de-stress – whether it be talking to someone about it or doing something that they enjoy, like surfing - ” the doc started_

_“I surf” Steve interrupted_

_“And when was the last time you did it?” Matt asked, then continued when Steve pursed his lips, “When someone de-stresses, the tower becomes more stable. If they don’t and they continue to experience stress, the tower becomes more unstable. In this case, your ‘death’ was the last block drawn that toppled the tower, and Steve didn’t know how to put it back together again”_

_Danny wanted to make an analogy to humpty dumpty, but refrained. He looked at Steve, who had his eyes downcast, at least the guy was starting to open up to someone._

_“There are things that happened during the course of Steve’s deployments and whilst he has worked for five-0 that he’s never truly put to rest” Matt continued_

_“I thought there were mandatory sessions during your deployments and definitely after you returned?” Danny asked_

_Steve shrugged, “Told them what they wanted to hear”_

_Danny bit his tongue, he wanted to ask his partner why he thought that was a good idea. But now was not the time._

_“I didn’t think I needed help,” Steve said, “I put those events in their own little box, and stowed them away where they belonged”_

_“Afghanistan?” Danny asked, nodding when Steve flinched. He knew that one weighed heavily on his partner_

_“Many others” Matt interjected, “The good news is that I’m helping Steve sort out those blocks and put them back into the tower, and I’m giving him good coping mechanisms”_

After three months, Steve had a difficult and frank discussion with the Governor, but managed to clear the air between the two of them. Then he went back to work at five-0 on half-days. 

The tension between Steve and Lou remained for a long time, until one day when the two men were stuck in the elevator at the palace for nearly six hours. When they were finally released, they had repaired the relationship and were joking with one another. Neither man told anyone what the dispute had been about. And no one else on the task force told the two men that Danny had made Jerry trip the wire to the elevator to lock the two men in it.

And after six months, Steve was finally back at work full time. 

The relationship between Steve and Danny only grew stronger. They had announced their relationship to their peers after a week of Danny’s re-emergence. None of five-0 were surprised at all, but they did make sure that the two didn’t have to pay for any drinks that night. 

Joe had been there too, and had quietly mentioned to Steve that the possessive marks on Danny’s neck looked good, but should be slightly lower to be slightly less noticeable. The comment made Steve bush a dark shade of red.

Then, on the anniversary of Danny’s ‘death’, Steve proposed to Danny. 

_Steve leant over Danny and pinned his hands above his head with one of his hands. He continued thrusting, then changed the angle to get that sweet spot._

_Danny moaned, closing his eyes in happiness. Then he grunted, “Harder”_

_Steve grinned, but instead of doing what was asked, he stopped and stared down at the love of his life._

_“Steven? Why did you stop?” Danny asked, groaning in frustration_

_“Marry me Danno” Steve asked_

_“What?” Danny asked_

_Steve thrust slowly, then stopped again. He leant forward and whispered in Danny’s ear, “Will you, Daniel J Williams, do me the honour of marrying me?”_

_“Why are you asking me at this exact moment? What are you going to do if I say no? Are you going to stop? That’s spousal abuse Steven” Danny said, all flustered_

_“Is that a no?” Steve asked, worried that he’d somehow misinterpreted the signals._

_“No, it’s not a no!” Danny said with exasperation, “It’s a ‘Can we have this discussion when you’re not balls deep in me?’ “_

_“So it’s a yes?” Steve asked_

_“Yes, it’s a yes!” Danny shouted, “Now, move!”_

_Steve grinned and captured Danny’s mouth in a deep kiss, whilst beginning to thrust again. He trailed the kisses down Danny’s neck, then made his mark there._

The wedding ended up being a month afterwards, which was a surprise. But neither man ended up making it to the alter because they were exposed to a hazardous chemical and had to spend some quality time in quarantine. Time they used to have a quiet ceremony with the task force through the glass doors – using some tin foil crudely shaped into circles for rings. 

When they were finally released from quarantine, Danny remarked that the honeymoon was far better than his first one. 

Steve smiled and grabbed his man with both hands, then planted a big kiss on his lips. He used the opportunity when Danny gasped to push his tongue into the other man’s mouth.

“You two are disgusting, get a room” Tani remarked, holding out Danny’s car keys

“Sir, you should probably do that in private” Junior told them, frowning at them and looking around the quarantined area

Steve and Danny finally pulled away from one another and grinned at Tani and Junior. 

“Thank God that stopped, I thought you were going to maul him in public” Tani commented

“No, he’ll probably do that when we get home” Danny commented, then with a growl said, “He’s an animal” 

“That’s gross” Junior remarked

“Oh, let the newly weds be, understandable they’ll be all over each other – at least in the beginning. They call this the ‘honeymoon period’” Lou piped in

Steve turned to Danny and said, “Mr Daniel McGarrett, shall we go home now?”

Danny frowned, “Who said I was picking up your name? I think you should pick up my name. Mr. Steven – ”

“Commander Steve” Steve interrupted

“Fine, Commander Steve Williams has a better ring to it. You could even double-barrel the name, but mine would go first. Commander Steve Williams-McGarrett”

“Mr. Daniel – ” 

“Detective Danny” Danny interrupted

“Okay, Detective Danno McGarrett-Williams. Mine would definitely go first” Steve argued

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mahalo le lua for sticking with this fic until the end, hope you enjoyed the journey :)


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